Today in the busy, intense moments of graduate school and work and my life, I am longing for the beautiful solace of the ocean.

I will try to draw some energy from remembering!

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote this poem, which was recited a zillion times to me in my childhood, because I was that little girl! Now you know, I really wasn't all that horrid when I was bad, but I was very very good, and sometimes rather horrid (ask my sis!). I still have the curls, and they drive me nuts sometimes when I want my hair to be sleek and more easily managed. But then, I'm not so easily managed either.

It's Sunday morning and I'm going back to bed. My "girl" Polly woke me at some very horrid hour like 4 a.m. because she had an upset stomach. She ate too many dog bones and treats in the past few days. So we got up, and after that I couldn't go right back to bed. I'm ready now. Good night!

Thinking of Elaine and the family today, her funeral day, and also thinking of all of my blogger friends and hoping that today is a peaceful and easy day for you all.

Today is my flutist friend Cindy's birthday. Cyn is on the left in the photo; it was taken just before our Sarabande concert in Vermont this past August. One of my oldest friends (since second grade!), one of my dearest friends, Cindy is one of those people without whom my life would have been very different. She is on the road, and I hope she will read this.

I love you, Cyn. Hope we can talk today. I hope your laptop is working wherever you are today (Arizona, I know that much), so that you can turn on the computer and see this. I also sent you an e-card. It's hard getting mail to someone who is traveling the country in a "fifth wheel" for a year!

I love your energy, your sparkle, your humor, your persistence, your wonderful bluntness. I love your singing voice and the way you play the flute and piano, and I love sharing new music with you and finding our way as Sarabande. I love that you push me, and I love that you are there to cheer me on. We have as much fun as we did when we were teenagers, no, let's be honest: we have MORE fun now! I love that you get such a chuckle out of me and that you make me laugh so hard it's dangerous (remember last summer when we laughed so hard while driving?! after my encounter with the back door of my rental Jeep? that was the funniest ever).

And I love that you know me so thoroughly. It keeps me grounded, for sure, having an old friend like you. Let's always make music together and laugh together and tell each other the innermost workings of our heart and soul.

Happy Birthday. You're a priceless gem.

Love ya,
Brina

My former mother-in-law, Elaine, has died. I've spent a lot of time this week remembering her, and I keep coming back to the way that she gave me space and freedom to develop, without pushing at me. She was really wonderful to me.

Because she always lived in another part of the country from us, we didn't have that much time together. I made a point to call her and to send her mail (in the days of snail mail, real mail!) while A.J. was growing up. We tried to keep her up to date with his changes. She did a good job with that, too, sending him notes and little gifts. They had a special bond.

I feel heartbroken for him that now, all of his grandparents have passed away. It's hard. He and his dad will fly down for the funeral and to gather with family there tomorrow. I don't have a place, or a role, there anymore, as I am not literally part of the family anymore. But wow, my heart is there.

And I sent flowers, which seems such a small gesture, but it's something.

I was definitely blessed to have Elaine for a mother-in-law. I'll miss her very much.

Happy Grad. Student Brina! I just got my January term grades, and they are really really good. I still have that 4.0 average. Yeah!

I might be getting tired eyes, and extra wrinkles (hope not), but I'm also learning so much...and it's great to get affirmation of that.

Cheers!

Something kind of exciting: Today I got myself a realtor to work with in Portland. Admittedly, I'm not going to actually make this move and choose a home for two more years, but for research purposes, I'm going to see some houses and neighborhoods with her next month when I'm there. There's a strong chance I will move to Oregon, rather than my initial plan of northern California, so I need to get to know the Portland area. That's where I'd do the final work on my marriage and family therapist license, if I decide to settle in Oregon I'll need to be in Portland, at least to start out.

This weekend, I bought myself a detailed Portland map and a larger Oregon/Washington state map, and I've been studying up. I also got my plane reservations all set. It's going to be an adventure when I go there over spring break.

I've been a bit grumpy the past few days.

It's a new week and I'm going to resolve to stay more grounded. We'll see how it works.

At the risk of sounding way too "Oprah," I'm going to take time to be grateful.

This morning I'm grateful for how strong and agile I feel, at 6 a.m. no less, and I'm grateful for the absolute quiet of the sunrise, all purples and pinks. Polly and I caught it at 5:55 a.m. while on our morning walk.

The grumpiness will just have to take a backseat for a while.

Anybody else dealing with the grumpies?

Sadness, again, for Cowsills
The news came last night that Billy Cowsill, the eldest of the family, had died Friday night. The family is all gathered in Newport for Barry's memorial service and now they have this news to process. Bill has been very sick and in and out of the hospital, up in Calgary. He lived in Vancouver for many years and has made some great music.

Here's the article from this morning's Providence (R.I.) Journal.


As mourners gather to honor Barry Cowsill, news arrives that another brother of the singing clan had died Friday in Canada

01:00 AM EST on Sunday, February 19, 2006
BY ALISHA A. PINA Journal Staff Writer

NEWPORT -- William Cowsill, 58, the lead singer for the 1960s family band The Cowsills, died Friday night in Canada, according to his brothers -- who learned of the death yesterday just moments after a memorial service for another brother, Barry.
The Cowsill siblings had gathered at King Park for the service honoring Barry, who drowned after Hurricane Katrina. About a half-hour afterwards, they received a phone call about William's death.
"We don't know what happened, but he hasn't been well for a while," Robert Cowsill said last night, as a party to honor Barry Cowsill got under way at the Hotel Viking. William was suffering from emphysema, osteoporosis, Cushing syndrome and other ailments, Robert Cowsill said.
The oldest of the Cowsill siblings, William was living in Calgary, Alberta. He had moved 35 years ago to Canada, where he formed a successful band called Blue Shadows, according to Robert. In addition to his five siblings, William is survived by two sons, Travis and Del.
Despite the bad news, the Cowsills decided to go ahead with plans to perform at a party honoring Barry, which drew a crowd of 500 to the Hotel Viking ballroom.
"It's shocking," said Paul Cowsill. "I can't begin to tell you how weird it is. But we're still here and now it's just a party for two."
Paul said that William had had problems with drugs and alcohol which "caught up with him."
"He'd be the first one to tell you he's paying the fiddler," Paul said.
Earlier in the day, a couple of hundred people bid farewell to Barry Cowsill amid fittingly stormy weather.
Barry Cowsill drowned in September, after Hurricane Katrina. His body was found in the waters of downtown New Orleans on Dec. 28. He was 51.
Yesterday's offbeat memorial service at King Park lasted barely 30 minutes because of the blistering cold.
Numb-faced family members hurried Richard Cowsill through the eulogy, a column written recently by a New York writer. The article characterized his brother as someone "always in the middle of some kind of storm" because of his life's many ups and downs.
Then Susan Cowsill tried to release her brother's ashes into Newport Harbor. A sudden gust of wind blew most of the remains back at the mourners.
"I got ashes in my eye and I'm digging it," said brother Paul, 54, who lives in Oregon. "It's tough losing one of the babies [of the family]. When I was little, [the youngest siblings] were under my care. I love Barry a lot."
Barry Cowsill played bass and sang in the family band of six, which was the real-life inspiration behind the hit television series The Partridge Family.
The Cowsill family had eight in all -- father Bud, mother Barbara, daughter Susan and sons William, Robert, Richard, Barry, Paul and John. Richard Cowsill was the only sibling not in the act.
The Cowsills were spotted by a NBC producer at a regular Newport gig in 1965. Soon after, they had three number-one hits, including "Hair," "The Rain, the Park and Other Things" and "Indian Lake." They also had two other Top 10 singles from a total of eight albums. In addition, they starred in their own television special, headlined in Las Vegas and did milk commercials.
"Being born and raised in Newport during the '60s and '70s, someone like myself had to be influenced by the Cowsills," said city resident Dave Livingston, who left a condolence message on the family's Web site, www.cowsill.com. ". . . We all dreamed of being the Beatles or the Dave Clark Five, but having a Newport band on the radio and television made it actually seem possible."
The online memorial book was 54 pages long and had more than 1,000 entries.
"I was a young girl who grew up with the clean music of the Cowsills," wrote a Freemont, Calif., woman. "Barry was my 'first love,' and through all these years I have remembered him on his birthday."
The article Richard Cowsill read at the service confirmed that Barry was the family's heartthrob. It said he had dark, wavy hair, an easy smile and was a "cutup."
"There was a time -- the 1960s and early 1970s -- when thousands of American girls drifted off to sleep at night with full-color Barry Cowsill posters gazing down on them," Richard read while laughing.
Many laughed with him. Some women in the audience, gripping flowers and wiping at tears, said that was them.
"It's almost poetic," Richard said as the flowers, dusted with Barry's ashes, flew out of the women's hands and were carried into the air by the strong winds. "Barry set this up. You can find him everywhere now. It's just what he wanted."

My former mother-in-law is gravely ill, and my heart is so full of good thoughts and love for her.

I wanted to write about Elaine here, just a few of the memories that are strongest with me tonight.

* When I first met her, the very first time, in 1978, she had put together this incredible spread of food for us. We were just stopping at their house in suburban Chicago as we drove up to Minnesota from Indiana. She knew we were only going to stay a few hours, but she had put out enough food for a whole reception. It was really funny, because it was a hot summer day, and I eat like a bird at best. So there we were, surrounded by all these traditional "Jewish foods". And I barely ate anything!

Still, she was welcoming to me, a shiksa.

* Years later, at our wedding, she was so genuinely happy for us, and she is just beaming in the photos. I remember it was really hard for her to be there because her ex-husband was going to be there with his new wife. But she put on her graciousness, and she was lovely.

* When baby A.J. was born, she came to be with us from about the second to third week of his life, as I remember. She did the exact opposite of that bossy, opinionated mother-in-law thing. Instead of showing me how to do things, she held back and, whenever I asked her for advice, she'd say, "You know, dear, I really don't remember how to do that." Instead of inserting herself into the fragile world of new parents and baby, she busied herself baking and vacuuming! It was a subtle way of saying, "You two are the parents, do your thing!"

* She came to visit when A.J. was in nursery school. We had him in this cooperative school which required that parents (and grandparents, aunts, whomever you could get) volunteer to work some mornings at the school. So on her visit, I roped her into helping out, a three-hour shift with me. We had our hands full. These kids were active, and intense, and played hard! When we finished that morning, Elaine and I were both exhausted. I was SO grateful to her for being a hands-on sort of gramma.

* The last time I saw her, I made a trip down to Florida by myself to spend a week with her. We had a really good week, and my favorite moments were when the neighbors and people at the store mistook me for her daughter, and she didn't correct them! Very sweet!

Those are some of my Elaine memories for tonight. She has been great to me, and I was sad when I had to explain the separation and then divorce to her. It did cause us some estrangement, but we have spoken a few times since the divorce was final in August. I will always be thankful for her in my life.

Change in plans...

I'm not going to Rhode Island as planned, but staying home this weekend. My former mother-in-law is very ill in Florida, and my ex-husband needs to be able to go down there at short notice. So I'm choosing my family responsibilities here over my pull to be with the Cowsill family in Newport. It makes sense, but my heart is being pulled in several directions.

I know the place I should be is here with my son, and so that's the right decision.

At 1:00 p.m. EST on Saturday, I'm going to light a special candle to remember Barry Cowsill. That's when the outdoor memorial service begins in Newport. I'm also going to play one of his favorite songs, "Moon River," on my piano, for him.

That seems to be what I can do from here.

Meanwhile my heart is with my very dear former mother-in-law, who really was a friend to me during the marriage and who somehow avoided being anything like the stereotypical mother-in-law. I was blessed to have her.

Trips

I have two trips coming up, and I'm wondering if my blog friends have been to these places. I'm going to Newport, Rhode Island this weekend, for the gathering of Cowsill family and friends for Barry's memorial service. And about a month later, I'm going to Portland, Oregon.

I had been planning to move to northern California in 2008, but now I"m also considering Oregon, Washington, and even B.C. The cost of housing and cost of living in California is SO high, it seems smarter to me to consider the other states of the Pacific Northwest. This will be my first trip to Portland. I'm excited about it. I'll be looking at some houses and neighborhoods in Portland and surrounding areas; I'll check out the two schools which could work for my post-master's training in marriage/family therapy; and I'll drive to the coast to experience the Oregon version of my Pacific Ocean.

Have any of you been there? or Newport, R.I.?

Something amazing: I got my reading and assignment for this Tuesday's class completed...on Sunday! This is a first for me in grad. school so far. The work has been so constant and so heavy, I really have never been "ahead" of the game before. Unbelievable.

I'm hosting my Book Club ladies here tonight, so I was very motivated to study hard and complete the quiz early. Today I just want to make the apartment look really nice (it is already pretty spiffy) and enjoy organizing the food and drink for our meeting. There should be about ten of us here, and our guest, the wonderful author Charlie Baxter, whom I also call a dear friend. We are delighted to have Charlie coming to our meeting. We're discussing his book of short stories, "A Relative Stranger," which is filled with characters and images that I'll never forget. I mean that.

I'm excited to play my Kawai baby grand for my Book Club friends and Charlie, too.

Anyway, I'm very proud of myself for being ahead in school. Of course, I could use this time to work on next week's work, but I think I will give my reading eyes a slight rest and only proofread today, no school reading. It's been hard, covering many hundreds of pages every day.

On a goofy note, I have a song stuck in my head: Neil Diamond singing "Sweet Caroline". It won't go away. eeeeeeek

All you need is love.

I'm so lucky I have a big sis who loves me.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I forgot to tell you a few more California happenings from my trip! In addition to the photos and events I blogged for you,

* We saw Mr. Big Octopus at the Aquarium in Monterey. This is the very big octopus with whom Joe and I bonded on my New Year's trip. He's just...awesome. I love him.

* My sis and I went to the big main library in San Francisco to view part of the original manuscript of Jack Kerouac's "On the Road"...this exhibit is so thrilling, really. I can't even tell you!

* At the planetarium up in Oakland, a really beautiful star show. I especially love their admonition before it begins: "NO TALKING IN THE PLANETARIUM!" Of course that is nearly impossible!

* An IMAX movie about the Mars Rover expedition and the creation of the Rovers. Fascinating stuff, and my neck behaved (ever since my car crash in 2001, I've had trouble with things like planetarium shows, IMAX movies, art museums, fireworks, anything where you have to crane your neck at all, but I'm doing better, with time and lots of treatments).

* Some fun antique shopping and exploring up in Petaluma, and one overnight in Mill Valley.

* Driving solo from Monterey up to Pacifica one day, I listened to Pete Townshend's "Empty Glass" CD back to back with his brother Simon Townshend's CD "Simon Townshend Is". Now that was some pairing!

* Hiking on the hills up above my hotel in Pacifica, several mornings in a row. I love it there, just wish I'd had Polly along as there are so many Pacifica dogs out with their owners every single morning.

* And the best things were free: good company, the ocean, and the moon and stars at night.

I'm thankful I made that trip.

On the Red Carpet

Who would you like to "be" on Oscars night?

I had such fun discussing this with Joe's mom, Lillian, on Super Bowl day (well, admit it, the game itself wasn't so compelling as fashion talk!). I told her all about the way my sister and I would watch the Academy Awards, all dressed up in long dresses, our hair up, and armed with a supply of Junior Mints (our delicacy of choice for all big tv events). We even do this long-distance, calling each other to giggle and gush and compare notes. And for years, I've been Geena Davis...but now?

I think I'm more Rene Russo, though I have just spent some time looking at recent photos of her, and I think she's "had some work". Her face looks different!

Joe's mom is beautiful, and I think she was flattered when I came up with different actresses for her to "be." I had a few ideas but the best is Blythe Danner. It works!

So on Academy Awards night, which is quite early in March this year, I am going to adorn myself a la Rene Russo, the sexy, intelligent redhead, and I will telephone my actress pal Blythe Danner in California to talk about the Red Carpet.

Who would you like to be?

And if I could figure out how, I'd put photos of each of these lovely women right here. Jessica, can you help me, dear? I'm technologically delayed, you know.

My old boyfriend Wayne

Now you are all going to get a giggle out of this one. One of my old boyfriends seems to be in a big pickle, and when I heard about it on the radio, I realized I would have to 'fess up and tell you all the real story about me and Wayne Gretzky.

Ok. So, many many years ago when I was in my twenties and not yet married to H (my now-ex-husband), I was at a party with him and some of his college friends. There was a hockey game on tv, and Wayne Gretzky was skating. I'd always had a crush on Wayne (those eyes, that body, mmm!), and I just goofed on everyone and said aloud, "Oh! I used to date Wayne Gretzky!" Somehow this story was accepted, and it laid the foundation for a decades-long lie...because you see, I never did go out with Wayne Gretzky. (I bet you had that figured out already, huh?)

But ever after that party, every time Wayne was on tv or in the news, either H. or I would mention that I dated him years ago. Our friends would even mention it. I think they knew it was a fib, but they liked it. And then we had our son, A.J., and wouldn't you know, A.J. grew up thinking his mom had dated Wayne Gretzky! It's all so silly.

And the more you tell a lie, the more real it becomes, until now? I honestly feel a little bit like I did date Wayne Gretzky, many moons ago.

And now my old boyfriend Wayne is in trouble, because his wife and maybe the man himself got involved with illegal sports bets. Ahem. Wayne! How could you?

I thought he was a golden boy, untouched by corruption. I'm very disappointed.

What lies have you told that have taken on a life of their own? This is one of my best, and silliest. I'm not a good liar and have very little practice at it. In fact, I'm horrible at it.

Has this ever happened to you?

Airport security, SFO, the other night as I made my way to the red-eye flight. My laptop, carry-on bag, purse, shoes, coat, hat, were all going through the machine, and then an alarm went off. Seems my purse "alarmed" the system!

Oh!

They had me go to a separate area, where the female inspector had to do further testing on my purse. Then she got her supervisor to come over. He explained to me that there was a "substance" in my purse, and that it was probably just hand lotion traces that caused the alarm. They would try again. Meanwhile, he told her to "wand" me (funny verb, huh?), which she did. My purse then came through without alarming, but the supervisor had to take my ID and boarding pass and enter me into some big logbook. As he was doing so, he mentioned that the book never leaves SFO, that I am not going into some national database, and not to worry.

(However, after he said all that, I DID worry. Why did he tell me not to worry? I wasn't worried to start with!)

The whole thing took about 5 extra minutes, but it amused me because I always have hand lotion in my purse. They told me that even makeup can alarm the system. If that's the case, they must have false alarms all the time from women's purses.

Have you had some odd experiences with airport security? For me, none of these are as weird as the old days of crossing the border into Canada from Vermont, when they used to randomly take us into the room of suspicious American citizens! (My mom was ALWAYS being taken in there. I think they just wanted to check her out, she was so beautiful!)

Getting my Minnesota bearings after 11 California days and nights.

The red-eye flight always seems so exciting and fun when I start out, at midnight in San Francisco, but by the next afternoon when I've been home here for 8 hours and still have 8 more to go before bed, it's not so fun. We had our first Tuesday night classes of the semester yesterday, and I felt very challenged by that. Earlier in the day I'd fought hard to stay awake while driving. In class, I didn't doze off (it wouldn't have been possible, we are pretty lively), but I did feel heavy and slow-brained.

Thankfully I have great people in class with me. They always lift me up, and we make it through every kind of situation. Our professor for this class is young, very real, and thoughtful, also a lot of fun. We have so much to learn! And so much to synthesize.

We had a potluck dinner at the break between hours two and three of class last night. Really tasted great, and it was fun to be with everyone again. I didn't bring anything because of my travels, but I was also told that I was exempt since I've brought cupcakes and muffins to class in previous semesters. My maternal side definitely shows in that way (I love to bake).

Polly is such a happy dog to be back at home, but she seems to have an eye infection or irritation, so we are heading out the door to the vet this morning. Then it's a quick drive up to the Bru for my favorite iced mocha--I went almost two weeks without one!--some errands, and home for studies and settling in.
And I have a massage appointment at noon. Every Wednesday! Yeah! (Thank you, Lois, you are The Best.)

I miss my ocean and even more, my California loved ones, but it's a good kind of missing. I know I'll be back.

Why I love Pacifica...see?

for Anne-Marie, who loves this blouse!

http://www.newport-news.com/shop/quickOrderDetail.asp?eobitems=Q1G1149&keycode

Stretch lace blouseElegant stretch lace blouse
with mock neck, bell sleeves with scalloped hems, side slits. Button-and-loop back close. Nylon/rayon/spandex. Dry clean. Imported. $34.00

Family Musicale

Last night I had dinner with my sister and her husband and the extended family. Look at all the music-making after dinner! Even the littlest family member got in on the act (isn't he cute at the piano?). My sister was practicing for a choral audition, which today she passed with flying colors, so she'll be singing Beethoven's Ninth ("Choral Symphony") this spring. I knew she'd wow them.

You know, generations ago this is what people did of an evening, rather than watch tv or a movie. They made music after dinner, or they sat around reading aloud or story-telling. I like it when we do that. It's a great way to be together.

I was a wee bit confined in my sharp little jacket (which is trimmed in "snakeskin", or so it says on the label!), but I loved the chance to play piano. I always miss my piano when I travel. This was a treat!

Two beautiful moments in the day. Both are at Moss Beach, near Half Moon Bay, California. My friend Michael and I ate at the haunted Moss Beach Distillery, a delicious lunch, and then sat and watched the ocean for a long while. We also watched foolish people hiking where they shouldn't hike. I was inspired to pose in front of the EXTREME DANGER sign.

This is surely one of my favorite spots along the coast, this vista.

Sister Swans...this is my sister and me before leaving for the ballet last night. We saw "Swan Lake" performed by the magnificent San Francisco Ballet. Then this morning we did our own "Swan Lake" at the hot tub and pool here at my hotel...ahem...too bad you can't see it...giggle.

Love or Confusion?


A song for today...and a self-portrait from this morning.
I hadn't listened to this Hendrix song in a very long time. Today, it landed on me and oh, I love this whole CD, "Are You Experienced?"
Love the feel of this song, and for today? It suits me.






Love or Confusion...Jimi Hendrix

Is that the stars in the sky, or is it, rain fallin’ down
Will it burn me if I touch the sun-
uh, yeah, so big, so round
Would I be truthful, yeah, in, uh,
In choosin’ you as the one for me? Is this love, baby, or is it, uh-huh,
Just, uh, confusion?
O-oh, my mind is so messed up-
uh, goin’ ’round and ’round
Must there be all the colors-uh
Without names, without sound, baby?
My heart burns with feeling, but, uh
Whoa, but my mind, it’s cold and reeling
Is this love, baby, or, uh-huh, or is it confusion?
Oh, my head is poundin’, poundin’
Goin’ ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round
Must there always be these colors? , uh
Without names, without sound?
My heart burns with feelin’
Oh, but my mind is cold and reelin’, uh
Is this love, baby
Or is it-
uh, huh, just, uh, confusion?
Oh, you tell me baby, is this,
uh, love or confusion?
Mama, we must get together and, uh, find out
Exactly what we’re tryin’ to do
Love or confusion?

Another view of the Monterey cross. Can you see the moon, too? I took this one tonight also. You know, there are a number of famous, very old missions here in the Monterey area. My sister and I have visited one of the missions a few times, and it is always a profoundly moving experience. I feel very connected to Jesus and to Christianity here.

On my beach here in Monterey, someone has erected a big wooden cross, at the top of one of the dunes overlooking the sea. I have visited the cross several times now, in different weather and light and at different times of day. I am becoming familiar with the feeling, approaching this dune. It is very moving. Tonight at sunset, I prayed aloud at this cross. Just beautiful. I will never forget it.