Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Tonight's sunset in Monterey, as I walked the beach just in front of my hotel...sigh...what a beautiful world.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

I am he and he is me and we are we and we are all together...I am the egg man...uh, no, that's not quite it...hmm....the song is stuck in my head, and I think it's because of me and the main character in the novel I'm writing.

The main character of my novel, Olivia, is very much like me in many ways. Today when I boarded the airplane, I was like her! I will tell you why.

One of the endearing things about Olivia is her way of being oh so sophisticated and very goofy and awkward and girly, all at once. So today as I got on the plane, dressed in my very sexy leather coat-dress and sharp brown leather boots, with my chic new hat (fuchsia, bright!) on my head, I was that sophisticated, stylish Brina/Olivia but do you know what I was carrying? Along with my purse and laptop bag, I was carrying my well loved, slightly misshapen snow leopard stuffed animal.

Sophistication meets goofy girl.

I bring Snow Leopard on every trip. Lately he's been coming on the plane with me, because our airlines have cut out such "extras" as pillows to cushion your head from the bumps. With my chronic neck issues, I absolutely must have a pillow of sorts. Snow Leopard is just right as a neck pillow/bolster.

But I also bring him because he's cuddly and sweet and a necessity.

So here I can see how Olivia and I are so alike. I made her up, or I found her "in the ether," but I am also her, and she is me, and we are we...all together...yes!

You might know that my novel is set out here in northern California, actually in Pacifica, the working-class town south of San Francisco but north of Half Moon Bay. Olivia came to me there, and she lives there, and I write about her, and sometimes I think it really will be a novel.

Olivia or I must've been exuding some major style today because I had the nicest encounter with a very interesting man who works at the airport. They have these guys who work on the Air Train, repairing it and such, because it's always needing repair. To a man, they have always been polite and charming to me. This guy was just getting off work, and needed to ride the Air Train to his car. He waited for the train with me and then rode with me and chatted me up the whole way. You should have seen his dreamy eyes, deep brown with such a soulful way of speaking and listening. We had a great time talking.

I love the manners on some men; he had meticulous manners, and was very respectful. Just a nice little encounter, and it stayed with me all afternoon. I make a big point of praising and encouraging manners in the men, young and old, in my life, and it is true that good manners in a stranger, like this guy, just make me very happy. I wish the world were really like this, that people would get a boost from treating each other well. Kindness, civility, thoughtfulness to strangers. Love one another, the greatest commandment we have. Love one another partly by treating each other with grace and kindness.

I am sleepy, can you tell? I am having dinner soon so have to stay awake!


Just before dark in Monterey, in front of my hotel. The big circles are not double moons, but raindrops. This is the beach outside of my hotel, and you are looking across to the area of the Monterey Aquarium and old Cannery Row.

I traveled all day to get here, and I saw a double rainbow as I was driving from the San Francisco Airport toward San Jose on the big 101 highway. The rainbow was vivid, but I was alone in the car so couldn't snap a photo, and it being the 101, there was not a chance I could just drive slower!

So this is my photo for today. A lone fellow, who was with his dog on the beach here. I went down a ways but not as close as they were to the surf.

As it was earlier this month when I was last here, the surf is intense, the winds strong, and there are DANGER signs on the beaches.


My hotel room is pretty, bright yellow bedspread and a pseudo-canopy floral drapery above and around the bed. Tonight is for luxuriating in having actually arrived. I'm tired, sore, and hungry, but will remedy all three soon. My friend Joe is working until later tonight but I will see him before calling it a day.
See you bloggers tomorrow!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Party for Barry

On the weekend of February 17th, I'm flying to Rhode Island, a place I've never been, to join others in celebrating the life of Barry Cowsill, who died after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. I've been a Cowsill fan for so many years, they were such a part of my growing up, and in recent years I've been part of the Cowsill fan family (also known as "Hair Heads"). The Hair Heads gather almost every year and members of the Cowsill family join them for music and parties. I've always meant to go to one of those gatherings. Never made it, though.

Even though I only met Barry once in person, I feel that he was part of my extended family. Interesting how that works. And his death makes me want to reach out to that big family. Bob wrote something this week about Newport becoming a giant family that weekend, and I think he's right.

I am so drawn to be there, and I found that I could manage it while taking my work with me that weekend, so I booked the two-day trip. I'm really touched that Bob and the family made the invitation open to the fans. I know we will all be kind and respectful of each other, and I know that Barry's spirit will be there too. There will be two memorial gatherings on the 18th, each with its own special feel. I am looking forward to being there, and I'll finally meet some of my fellow Hair Heads.

It's funny. I'm working on my family genogram assignment for grad. school, and I'm thinking about what "family" means in our lives.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Philosophy from a cab driver

I have this Iranian cab driver who drives me to and from the airport fairly often. He is very intelligent and quite the philosopher. He has become very expressive with his advice to me, and tonight I was reminded of his words for some reason. I keep meaning to write about him here.

The first time I rode with him, we talked about my divorce. In subsequent rides, he always remembers my story, and starts up right where we left off, after first apologizing to me for "being so truthful with my words." I always reassure him that I want him to be truthful with his words, and then he's off and running. So recently, he spoke to me this way:

about dating a man...

"This man, if he does not treat you perfectly? Discard him!
Discard him! You shall have another! You are young, and very smart and beautiful, and you can have many other gentlemen. If you have one, and he does not treat you right, you must discard him immediately!"

about remarriage (his subject, not mine)...

"Do not remarry! You have done the marriage! (said with much intensity)
All men, they are animals. Even the best man is not capable of being faithful to his woman. Marriage is a trap. No man can do right by his wife. You have had a marriage, now you must not remarry!"

about my teenage son learning to drive...

"Oh, he is sixteen? Then I shall pray that he shall have only a very small car accident!" (later, he explained that many 16-year-old boys get in accidents, so as long as the statistics show that my son probably will have an accident, it must be only a very small one!)

and on and on.

I so love listening to this guy!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Silly poem, a la www.engrish.com Japanese-English language adventures:

Ok, so if you are already familiar with this engrish.com site, you will "get" this. If not, you will scratch your head in wonder at why a literate girl like me would think this is a poem. But in any case, the other night, after laughing so hard I thought I would split open, I imitated the engrish style and wrote this poem:

like a tree in the forest
i fall over with happiness
from very good feeling
of always touch boyfriend

Pleasures of the weekend

After feeling so weighed down by grief lately, I had a real brightening, lifting weekend. Thank God! It really started to lift for me on Saturday. Getting my hair colored did wonders. I'm happier with vibrantly red hair!

On Sunday, I drove over to see my wonderful friend Pam. We walked outside in the cold, which was more out of our exercise obligation than out of taking pleasure in the wintry air, though there is that...it especially feels good once you've conquered the first five minutes of being outside in it! And coming inside, now that's a pleasure.

Pam kept me for a while. We sat down to lunch--it felt SO good to have someone prepare a sandwich for me, I kept thanking her--we looked at the Sunday New York Times, talked about our work, family, love, and I got a few minutes to visit with her teenage son and his friends, who tested me on the "Name that tune" game...it was easy, "Brown-Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison. I flunked out on the second song, which was something by Donovan, I think "Mellow Yellow" (I didn't recognize it by the intro).

At Pam's I also got to hear a little bit of the "Emperor" Piano Concerto of Beethoven, on her boom box. I adore that piece. Pam thinks I should play it. Ok, I will, I even have the music, but I haven't an orchestra!

The rest of the day Sunday, I worked. A.J. and I postponed our driving lesson because I had a headache from the cold. Instead I went to the library at my university, and then I studied and proofread at home, in between chauffeuring A.J. to and from his bandmate's house. I had a good talk about love and the heart with my friend Stan on the phone. All of this was enjoyable. It was a quiet, cold, but good Sunday. I met my goals for work, and I had time with friends and A.J. and the dog. What a lucky girl I am some days. Seriously.

In the evening I returned A.J. to his dad's house, then took my work project to the publisher's (two days early!), and walked the dog in the clear, cold night. I had another long-distance talk, this one with my friend Mike, and came home to yet more reading and a beautiful scented bath before bed. Slept like a baby lamb (do baby lambs sleep well? I did).

I wish I could post a photo of how peaceful and good I feel this morning. I am excited about my upcoming trip, but not stressed. I fly to California again on Saturday morning. I expect to have wireless access every day and I am going to try to blog and post a photo each day from California, the 10 days I am there.

Saturday, January 21, 2006














So you see, I have this teenager, and he loves Al Pacino in "Scarface."
And whenever I'm not looking, he takes this framed photo of Mr. Al Pacino as "Scarface" and puts it up on the armoire in our living room, along with our photos of family and friends, and under the gracious, watchful eye of my Nana in the portrait above the armoire...

I'm also posting these two photos, taken today, to show you all that I did indeed survive the wretched grief of this past week. I have my bright self back.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

My little angel,
Ethan George






More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world...

September 3, 1996 -
January 19, 1997


Dear Little E,
January is a hard month for me because this is the month when you went back to heaven, nine years ago tomorrow. But it's also a month when I just can't help but look up at the sky, the stars, the moon, the sun, and think of you, and that makes me smile (with tears in my eyes).

My heart is so full and thankful that you were here! You were an amazing boy: feisty, stubborn, happy, loving, sociable, engaging, adorable...people could not resist you! If you had lived to be a bigger boy, I think you would have kept me hopping, for sure, creating your own brand of mischief and always coming up with something new. Living your whole little life in the hospital, you found a way to exert your personality on all the people who worked with you. It was very cute, the way you wrapped each and every one of them around your little finger. You were a charmer, my blond baby!

You were lucky to have A.J. for your big brother. The two of you had a special way of communicating right from the beginning! I wish you had had more time with him on earth. I know he wishes that, too.

I remember you every day, Ethan, so tomorrow isn't unique in that way. You are always with me. Lots of people think about you and love you. Your dad, A.J., your Gramma Elaine, your aunts and uncles: Amy and Mark, Ruth and Adrienne, Carmen and John, family like Beth and Herb, Susan and Joe, Laurie, Kerry, Marcus and Angie, your nurses and doctors, your special friends like Pam, Joanne, Sharon and Bill, all those people will stop whatever they are doing tomorrow to think of you. I will also share your photo with my class at university tomorrow night. I'm proud of you and like to share your cute face with anyone who will look. I will remind them that your life was not a tragedy, but a triumph.

Do you remember what it felt like when I held you, like in this photo? I think that was as close to heaven as I could ever be while still on earth, and if I ever get scared, I will remember that and I'll be ok. You make me a braver person and you have helped me to figure out what my purpose is here.

Love you very much, Ethan. I'm holding you tight right now.

Your mommy

Monday, January 16, 2006

I heard this on the radio today and can't get it out of my mind. It's a true story!

The radio host, Colleen, was in college not too many years ago and had a college friend who was, well, not the smartest girl in the dorm. They were looking at the calendar, it was January, and the girl pointed to MLKingDay and said to Colleen, "That must be a Wisconsin holiday...Milking Day!"

Friday, January 13, 2006


The June Taylor Dancers - Lovely bunch of 16 female dancers choreographed by June Taylor on the comedy variety program THE JACKIE GLEASON SHOW/CBS/1952-1970.

The June Taylor Dancers performed high-stepping chorus-line routines reminiscent of the Busby Berkeley film spectaculars of the 1930s and 1940s. To enable the cameras to see all sixteen dancers on a small TV screen, Jackie Gleason developed the idea of overhead shots for the June Taylor Dancers whose wonderful kaleidoscopic arm and leg movements became their trademark. As one source put it "Lying on the floor in a circle, shoulder to shoulder, they would make kaleidoscopic patterns by moving their hand-held fans, lamé-covered arms, and sequined legs."

A few year earlier, the June Taylor Dancers (six of them) performed on the original CBS program THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW called THE TOAST OF THE TOWN. At the time, they were billed as "The Toastettes." In 1954, June Taylor received an Emmy Award for television excellence. On episode No. 330 of the game show WHAT'S MY LINE (9/23/1956) June and some twenty of her her dancers made a guest appearance as a Mystery Guest Group.

In 1959, The June Taylor Dancers made appearances at General Motors "Motorama" auto show in New York and Boston. Before retiring, June Taylor became the choreographer for the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders (Starbrites) from 1978-1990. The Starbrites wore one-piece bathing suits and go-go boot. Under Taylor's guidance, they performed spectacular Broadway-style half-time shows. As of 2001, June Taylor was featured in segments of the television biography series TVOGRAPHY on the A&E network that told stories of America's favorite TV shows.

Born in Chicago, choreographer June Taylor who lived in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, died of natural causes in a Miami hospital on Monday May 17, 2004. She was 86. Her husband of 42 years, prominent theatrical attorney Sol Lerner, died in 1986. TRIVIA NOTE: June Taylor's sister, Marilyn Taylor married comedian Jackie Gleason in 1975. She was a dancer in her sister's group.

"One of the first things I learned in television was the necessity of varying the style of the dancing each week...People want something new. My girls, I believe, are the best hoofers in the business. They know tap, ballet, classical ballet, toe work, modern and acrobatic dancing."
-- June Taylor, 1953

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Growing up, I wanted to be a June Taylor Dancer!

Does anyone remember them? Do you know what I mean? Please blog back if you do!

I just realized that I still have many of those same glamorous dreams and fantasies, and in my heart of hearts, I would still like to grow up to be a June Taylor Dancer...let's not tell my grad. school advisor that, hmm?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I did it: I got a 4.0 for my first semester in grad. school. Two big fat A's!

I'm really really proud of myself.

It really bugs me when people say, "Was there ever any doubt?" Well, yeah...I haven't been in college for over 20 years, I'd say there was some doubt! And graduate school is much harder academically than any of the college courses I took in my younger years. So, yeah, there was doubt.

Challenge: what are our gifts? how can we apply them in everyday life so that they help the people in our lives?

It's really clear to me, with my friend whose son has just died, that I have two big areas of giftedness that are right at the surface to share with her. One is just being with her, and by the mere fact that I am standing, breathing, still alive after losing my son nine years ago, I show her that it IS something she will survive.

The other gift is my music. I might not be so great at articulating my feelings and thoughts aloud, and I certainly am not good at speaking at a memorial service or large gathering, but I can sit at the piano and play music which reaches people's hearts. This, I can do.

I went over to the house and spent a little time there with the family today, and I made my offer, starting with an offer just to play one piano solo if they'd like, and I ran it by them and they did like the idea of the piece: Bill Evans' beautiful "Peace Piece," which I find so contemplative and comforting, I think it would be very helpful to people.

Then, when some more actual planning started, her father asked if I would be available to play the service if they need me to, and I agreed, so I'm sure there will be a role for me to play, and I know I can do this as a way to comfort and help them.

It looks like this was not a suicide, but an accidental death by self-asphyxiation. Still very horrible. Does it change the fact that he's gone? how he died? of course it doesn't, but it does seem to feel different to think that he did not intentionally leave.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Today I heard the news that the teenage son of friends of ours killed himself. The news felt like a knife going in. It literally takes your breath away.

January is always a hard month for me, because this is the month when our son Ethan died. He was just a little baby, and he wanted so much to live. He died peacefully on January 19, 1997. Now, the harsh news that our friend's son did not want to live, made that decision, and is gone: it's just a huge hurt. I feel it physically in my heart.

I am going to reach out to his family and especially to his mom, who has always been very generous and kind with me. I am going to offer to play piano for whatever gathering they might have in his memory, and aside from that I'm going to offer to just be with her, if she wants company.

It's a very busy month in grad. school for me, with eight hours of class a week and lots of reading and assignments, so I might not blog as much as usual for a while, trying to balance all of that work with my personal life, which could be extra demanding for a while.

Please keep an open heart and a watchful eye for the teenagers in your life. Suicide is so prevalent, and especially in teenage boys, and it's just such a horrible thing. I don't know that we ever "understand" why someone takes their life.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Ol Timeless -- by Barry Cowsill

Move on down the road
Ease me through the door
Take me to your dreams, Ol Timeless
I want to go

Move me down the road
I don't mind the pain
'cause the gates I'm passing through
have no set boundaries.

As I cast my blessings to the seventh wind tonight
I keep in mind the promises I've made
For the land I find to hold me for the others*
Gonna move on down the road
Ease along the way
Take me to your dreams, Ol Timeless
I gotta know

Put me on the path
There's nothing more to say
'cept swing your mighty scales,
let's be onward

and I'll take the secret treasures of my heart and soul
and I'll keep 'em covered safe within my reach
'til the time when I can share them with the others

Move on down the road
Slip me through the door
Oh take me to your dreams, Ol Timeless
I want for more

Send me on the way
to them other times
There's a lot of work ahead for me
tomorrow.

*I'm not sure what he's singing in this line...waiting for some other Cowsill fan to enlighten me.

I wish you could all hear this song. It's on Barry's solo CD, which is hard to find, and I don't know how to put it up online here. Listening, it is like a spiritual, or a hymn, just Barry's voice and the pipe organ. It feels like the song for today.

Did I tell you all that when I retrieved his solo CD from my boxes of CDs yet unpacked, I found a note from Barry inside? I had forgotten that...sigh.

Rest easy, Barry.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Barry Steven Cowsill, 1954-2005

The search for Barry Cowsill ended this week. His family, friends, and fans are all grieving his death in New Orleans, where he initially survived Hurricane Katrina but died. His body was identified this week, four months after he was last heard from. Barry was a unique soul and a generous heart, and while he had many earthly troubles, he also managed to share with many people and touched so many lives. My heart just breaks for his family.

As a young teenager, I was a Cowsill fan extraordinaire, plastering my walls with their photos, listening to the albums, going to concerts, even working on a petition to get them back at our Champlain Valley Fair for a second year in a row in 1970 (I was just 12). When the C's came to perform that second summer, the local paper arranged a photo session for the petition girls and the Cowsill family, so I got to meet them all. My biggest crush was on Barry's younger brother, John, but Barry could definitely set my heart to beating, too.

I had a correspondence with him a few years ago and I bought his solo CD directly from Barry. In recent years I've also had a personal connection with John, who has the biggest heart. Right now I'm just blanketing the Cowsills with my prayers and love, and I will dig out Barry's CD today to give it another listen.

His obituary is in most of the national papers today. You can also read about him at www.cowsill.com.

Barry wrote:
And I take the secret treasures,
Of my heart and soul,
And I'll keep them covered safe within my reach.
Till the time when I can share them with the others.
Move on down the road,
Slip me through the door,
Oh take me to your dreams
O! Timeless
I want for more.
Send me on my way,
To them other times.
There's alot of work ahead for me tomorrow.

Lyrics from O! Timeless
Barry Cowsill 1998

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I discovered that taking a self-portrait of two faces--me and Joe--is much harder than one! Here is the one photo that succeeded, followed by two very funny ones. The water behind us is Monterey Bay.















I stopped at this beach on Thursday when I made the drive down the Pacific coastline from Pacifica to Monterey. Isn't the light amazing? It was almost like a dream....














My favorite part of the Monterey Aquarium: The Jellies!

Monterey afternoon
Monterey, California
as the old year closes and the new year begins...















In the photo taken through a fence, you will see what looks like an aggregation of large pieces of driftwood or...? In reality, these are many harbor seals of various colors and amusing shapes, relaxing on their beach. It's inaccessible to people, just around the corner from the Monterey Aquarium, and I stood to watch them for the longest time. One or two of the seals made an effort to look at me as I photographed them!

In the second photo, you may be able to see a rainbow. We had much rain this week while I was in Monterey, and when the sun would emerge, often there would be rainbows. I caught this one Saturday afternoon.