My son was in a car accident tonight near the Metrodome downtown. He and his two friends are ok; the car is banged up in front but we'll know more tomorrow after the body shop looks at it. Boy, that is the phone call no mom wants to receive:"Mom...we were in an accident...but we're all okay..."

I was and am relieved. And just tucked him in and told him a bedtime story like old times. We were set to leave for our mother-son trip to Vermont in the early a.m., but now we'll wait and fly the next morning. Tomorrow we have to deal with insurance company, police report, doctor's checkup, towing, body shop, and probably more.

But yes, he's ok. Thank you, God, for watching over the boys. (A woman driver who was driving without insurance, with dim headlights, and erratic driving clipped my son's car as he was doing a legal U-turn.) Nobody was really hurt, just the two cars.

Sigh. Time for sleep. Thanks for listening.

My son says "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

Shakespeare speaks to me...about love...


"Love from one side hurts, but love from two sides heals."

"This is the very ecstasy of love,
Whose violent property fordoes itself
And leads the will to desperate undertakings
As oft as any passion under heaven
That does afflict our natures."

I see it and I feel it. And for all the pain I've felt this summer, it's been worth it. I'm not afraid of love or pain!

Three of my favorite beings in the world, who happen to be my son and two of his best friends, inhabited my living space this weekend.

Here they are lounging on the couch reading Chinese books for fun. Just after this, they told me stories of public urination and I pretended to be shocked. They are all 17, and while staying here, they remembered to thank me for food and other essentials. They laugh just the way they did when they were little boys together, but soon they'll all be in college (one more year) and I know they're going to be great at whatever they choose to do in life.

Good boys, these three! (My son is on the left, if you needed me to point that out. How about that afro?)

"If I Fell" (Lennon/McCartney)

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause Ive been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands...

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her

'cause I couldnt stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two

If I fell in love with you...

It's always been one of my favorite Beatles songs. Today I'm doing pretty well with my heartbreak and my new status as "just Brina." I was in my coffeeshop doing paper work, and the song came on. My heart went, "ohhhhhhhh." In fact, I may have gasped aloud. But then, I just soaked it up. It's beautiful, and so is love.

This time 'round, we hurt each other.

But it has beauty.

I'm ok.

My treasured old "Snow Leopard" sits snuggling on my bedcovers with his new little friend, Fox. Fox was a gift from Pam and Snow Leopard was a gift from my ex-boyfriend.

My heart was warmed to see these two. I mean, don't they look real? Honestly!

The relationship is ended.
We are both agreed.
It is over.
And I will survive (so will he).

I imagine us ten years from now. He'll be up in Vancouver attending a football game and he'll see my name in a newspaper article--something glowing about my therapy practice, no doubt--and he'll get my phone number, call me, and I'll very peacefully invite him to dinner. We'll sit down together and laugh and smile and tell each other, "We sure had a time!" and our hearts won't be bleeding and broken like they are this morning.

I have a life to live without him. Now I'd better go do it.

Keep me encircled in your thoughts and prayers, please. I loved this man very much.

It's my cousin Marcus's birthday this weekend. I was a teenager when he was born, so we are almost of different generations, 16 years apart. He's one of my favorite people, one of those relatives you know you'd actually choose for a friend, were you not already related by blood.

And he's a world-class musician: a trumpet player with the Vancouver Symphony, a composer who has such talent that he's being recognized internationally, with premieres and commissions in Canada and the U.S. and Europe.

He's also a strong and dedicated athlete and an awesome father and husband.

Can I say anything less than glowing about him? Let's see. Um. He...he often leaves things behind or loses things. I imagine that's due to his constant creative mind working overtime.

And when he was a little boy, and I was a teenager and then a young woman, he and I had such a bond, sharing adventures in the woods and playing with worms and salamanders and mud...so much so that at age five, he asked me, "Brina, will you marry me?"

I love telling that story to his wife Angie, who is the best addition to our family ever!

Happy Birthday, Marcus!

Here are some photos of my handsome cousin Marcus, who turns 34 today. Love that guy!

Something beautiful for today.


And I thank God for good friends, who watch and listen and who are not afraid to say, "Honey, you might need some more help here." I do, and I'm getting it.


Thanks.

Love these eagles!

And I'm going to be ok. Thanks for caring.

I reached the end of my loving, patient, unconditional love tonight and I am not even content to leave his picture up on this blog. It's just too much to bear. I've reached my breaking point and cannot keep holding out hope for our love to prevail. It's not going to!

I learned something. Love may be stronger than anything, but you can't love someone into the light. If he wants to live in a dark, lying state, he will live in a dark, lying state. Period. No amount of unconditional love is going to change someone's core. If he's a liar and a cheat at the core, that's his reality and his approach to life. Do what you can get away with. Take advantage of people. Use them before they can use you. etc. (reference: "The Sopranos" or any Mafia movie, you get the idea) Those were his core values, at some level. He sees people as objects. He disdains most people. This is not a generous, loving man.

My guy came from a lineage of Mafia men. His grandfather was in the Mafia. That's something I could joke about before. Now? I see it as having formed something dead inside him, and I don't want to live with that dead part of him. I thought he had evolved beyond his heritage. Apparently I thought wrong.

And the lying and cheating and deception that was his daily pattern started to eat away at me. I found myself turning into more of a suspicious, distrustful, wary soul. And that's not my normal state. It doesn't suit me. I shouldn't have to spend any of my precious energy or the years I have left in life looking over my shoulder, wondering what lie he's covering up now.

The good news is that in discovering this last big lie, I reached the end of my tolerance. I finally have to face it: This man is not for me. I love him, but he's not the person I should spend my life with. And I can't just know him casually. Our love is too deep for that. So I have to walk away.

Nothing could be worse than giving up hope, but it's all I can do tonight, so I've finally admitted it. There isn't anything left except the tiniest flame burning inside, and it's not enough to sustain me or us. And beyond that, what's left is disgust. Because I saw the lies for what they are, and I saw that he is not willing to apologize and apply his energies to growing and changing> He's just accepting this as his fate in life. He is what he is. "Life isn't fair," he'll say rather than apologize when caught in a lie. Well, no, that's wrong, dear. Life can be fair if you live fairly!

I'm just not able to keep hope alive about us. I keep thinking about integrity. It's huge for me. It's a huge core value. And for him? Apparently not.

I'm so wounded as to be in agony. I really can't believe this has played itself out this way.

Thanks for caring, blog friends. I will be having a hard time, I know, for a while, and I'd appreciate your prayers, love, and kindness while I struggle back up to my powerful positive light.

I will survive and come back with refreshed optimism. It just may take a while.

My guy and I visited a wonderful aviation museum in Langley, B.C., Canada in May. I enjoyed taking photos of, and from almost inside, the reconstructed old planes.

Reading "How to Keep Your Spiritual Wits About You in a Romantic Relationship" today, from www.spiritualsisters.com, I am struck by how romantic love is like flying:

"Romantic love is not for the weak of heart. It is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. It is here that we hopefully have our most emotionally and sexually intimate moments with another human being. It is here that our most painful emotional wounds eventually surface in order to be exorcised. And it is here that we most deeply get to know ourselves."

There is much in this essay that helps me these days. I believe in the power of romantic love and in the power of facing our fears. Sometimes we do that best through the difficult times.

And sometimes we can fly!

How we are perceived

I have a coffeeshop where I've been a regular for 10 years now. The staff is almost all women, and three generations of one family own the place. I love it, and them, dearly, and I think they really like me too.

One of the younger women who works there is about 19 and exuberant, colorful, just a positive spirit of a girl. When I stopped in the other day during her shift, she started to make my drink and then we got to talking about where we live. Having never been to my place, she just started describing to me where she would picture me living. She knows I'm going to be moving out west in 2008, so that's part of the glamour, I think, but here's what she described:

"I just see you living way up high, in a modern apartment building or a townhouse that's perched over a city, with the night lights below you and a big spiral staircase, you know, like in the movies? And you dress really nice and there's music and champagne!"

Gotta love this girl!

And yes, even though I'm still living in the Midwest (for now), I do live at the very top of a modern apartment building, perched over...a highway...with the city lights across the way shining brightly at night. There's no spiral staircase, but I do have some spirals on my canopy bed frame...and do I dress glamorously? Sometimes! champagne? Not really, maybe I'd better look into that. Music: yes!

My ideas about where to live when I move west are quite urban: Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Vegas. And I'd love to be perched up high, though my sweet Polly dog would like to be able to just go out to the yard and have her own space! (She's a very good apartment dog, but a house would be nice for her sake.)

Interesting, how we are perceived...

I got the job! The practicum job for this coming academic year...the job I wanted...was offered to me today!

Very happy moment.

It's a big step in my path as a therapist. I'm really going to work hard and it's a great environment for me. I know I can "do good" there.

Yeah!

How to Make Yourself Irreplaceably Lovable: The List

(It worked on me...and I don't regret it.)

* snore in your sleep

* prefer cats to humans, but exhibit a soft spot for certain humans too

* sing to your girlfriend in a loud, ill-modulated voice, especially songs with irritating choruses; at other times, sing in a sweet and soft, almost pretty voice and make her swoon; also, sing love ballads in the shower when you don't realize she's listening!

* "lose" items that are actually in your pocket, especially very close to the time when you really must be out the door to an appointment, work, or even to catch a plane

* work your way so deep into your loved one's heart that it is impossible to extract you, ever

* be yourself, the good/bad/ugly

* while being yourself, be surprising at times so that your loved one can't fully understand or predict what you will do next

* sing, often

* laugh, every day

* be forgiving, and admit when you need to be forgiven

* hold your loved one's hand

* be yourself

I'm really feeling very bereft tonight, from the problems in my romance, and I need to look at images of what is Good and Right in my life. What is Good and Right are the people who are my closest family and friends. Here are some of them.

I think that I have been so much in love that I may have been shortchanging the other important people whom I love, this past year. I hope that they all will forgive me. I am grateful that I can lean on them, even Polly my sweet dog. This is a very hard time and I need to lean.