My former mother-in-law is gravely ill, and my heart is so full of good thoughts and love for her.

I wanted to write about Elaine here, just a few of the memories that are strongest with me tonight.

* When I first met her, the very first time, in 1978, she had put together this incredible spread of food for us. We were just stopping at their house in suburban Chicago as we drove up to Minnesota from Indiana. She knew we were only going to stay a few hours, but she had put out enough food for a whole reception. It was really funny, because it was a hot summer day, and I eat like a bird at best. So there we were, surrounded by all these traditional "Jewish foods". And I barely ate anything!

Still, she was welcoming to me, a shiksa.

* Years later, at our wedding, she was so genuinely happy for us, and she is just beaming in the photos. I remember it was really hard for her to be there because her ex-husband was going to be there with his new wife. But she put on her graciousness, and she was lovely.

* When baby A.J. was born, she came to be with us from about the second to third week of his life, as I remember. She did the exact opposite of that bossy, opinionated mother-in-law thing. Instead of showing me how to do things, she held back and, whenever I asked her for advice, she'd say, "You know, dear, I really don't remember how to do that." Instead of inserting herself into the fragile world of new parents and baby, she busied herself baking and vacuuming! It was a subtle way of saying, "You two are the parents, do your thing!"

* She came to visit when A.J. was in nursery school. We had him in this cooperative school which required that parents (and grandparents, aunts, whomever you could get) volunteer to work some mornings at the school. So on her visit, I roped her into helping out, a three-hour shift with me. We had our hands full. These kids were active, and intense, and played hard! When we finished that morning, Elaine and I were both exhausted. I was SO grateful to her for being a hands-on sort of gramma.

* The last time I saw her, I made a trip down to Florida by myself to spend a week with her. We had a really good week, and my favorite moments were when the neighbors and people at the store mistook me for her daughter, and she didn't correct them! Very sweet!

Those are some of my Elaine memories for tonight. She has been great to me, and I was sad when I had to explain the separation and then divorce to her. It did cause us some estrangement, but we have spoken a few times since the divorce was final in August. I will always be thankful for her in my life.