I reached the end of my loving, patient, unconditional love tonight and I am not even content to leave his picture up on this blog. It's just too much to bear. I've reached my breaking point and cannot keep holding out hope for our love to prevail. It's not going to!

I learned something. Love may be stronger than anything, but you can't love someone into the light. If he wants to live in a dark, lying state, he will live in a dark, lying state. Period. No amount of unconditional love is going to change someone's core. If he's a liar and a cheat at the core, that's his reality and his approach to life. Do what you can get away with. Take advantage of people. Use them before they can use you. etc. (reference: "The Sopranos" or any Mafia movie, you get the idea) Those were his core values, at some level. He sees people as objects. He disdains most people. This is not a generous, loving man.

My guy came from a lineage of Mafia men. His grandfather was in the Mafia. That's something I could joke about before. Now? I see it as having formed something dead inside him, and I don't want to live with that dead part of him. I thought he had evolved beyond his heritage. Apparently I thought wrong.

And the lying and cheating and deception that was his daily pattern started to eat away at me. I found myself turning into more of a suspicious, distrustful, wary soul. And that's not my normal state. It doesn't suit me. I shouldn't have to spend any of my precious energy or the years I have left in life looking over my shoulder, wondering what lie he's covering up now.

The good news is that in discovering this last big lie, I reached the end of my tolerance. I finally have to face it: This man is not for me. I love him, but he's not the person I should spend my life with. And I can't just know him casually. Our love is too deep for that. So I have to walk away.

Nothing could be worse than giving up hope, but it's all I can do tonight, so I've finally admitted it. There isn't anything left except the tiniest flame burning inside, and it's not enough to sustain me or us. And beyond that, what's left is disgust. Because I saw the lies for what they are, and I saw that he is not willing to apologize and apply his energies to growing and changing> He's just accepting this as his fate in life. He is what he is. "Life isn't fair," he'll say rather than apologize when caught in a lie. Well, no, that's wrong, dear. Life can be fair if you live fairly!

I'm just not able to keep hope alive about us. I keep thinking about integrity. It's huge for me. It's a huge core value. And for him? Apparently not.

I'm so wounded as to be in agony. I really can't believe this has played itself out this way.

Thanks for caring, blog friends. I will be having a hard time, I know, for a while, and I'd appreciate your prayers, love, and kindness while I struggle back up to my powerful positive light.

I will survive and come back with refreshed optimism. It just may take a while.