Mermaid in Minnesota

2007-10-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

Today my handsome son was part of the Homecoming Court at his school. Here he is escorting the lovely Kristin at the Coronation. Later, she was crowned Queen, and one of the other male candidates was crowned King. There were six boys and six girls in the running.

It was a very proud day for me. He managed to be relaxed looking, yet respectful, funny yet classy. He danced! He was a gentleman. He was himself. And the crowd loved him!

Aren't they looking good?

2007-10-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

Can you see the real me?

This is what 50 looks like, at my house!

2007-09-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to share an even larger version of me with Nichelle Nichols. She deserves to be seen! This is one of the most articulate, intelligent, and spiritually inspiring women I've ever heard speak.

She gave a very moving talk to many Star Trek fans that day, and then she posed with us for photos later. She spoke of her meeting with Martin Luther King, back in the days when she was on "Star Trek." She had been thinking of leaving the show, because she wasn't feeling enough character development in her role and because they hadn't offered her a contract yet. She mentioned this to the Rev. King, who said to her, "You must stay! Do you see what Gene Roddenberry is trying to achieve here? Do you see that you are demonstrating on screen what I am preaching about?" Remember, back then for a black woman and white man to have an on-screen kiss was...unheard of...and she and Captain Kirk were leading up to that, I believe, at this time.

Ok, I just found her actual account of it online with some quotes from Nichelle about this:

Someone else who thought Star Trek was on the right track with Uhura was Dr. Martin Luther King, who persuaded Nichols to stay on the show. "I met Dr. King at a fundraiser and he told me that I was one of the most important people in his family. That they watched Star Trek and that I was a role model and their hero. And I said I said I was very proud of that and that was very nice, and then I told him that I was [considering] leaving the show, and he said abruptly - 'You can not! You absolutely must not. Do you know that you have the first non-stereotypical role on television? You're a first. This is not a female role. This is not a black role. This is a quality role, and this is an equal role, and it is in a command position. You have to carry on, because not only do little black children and do women see you and aspire and do you have meaning for them, but everyone else sees us for the first time the way we are supposed to be - on an equal basis, and on a level of dignity and authority and with the highest of qualifications.'"

She also told Gene about what Dr. King had said, and he was very touched.

There are so many stories like this from the Star Trek Convention. I was also very excited about William Shatner's project about Grief and Laughter, and Leonard Nimoy's art photography project showing the beauty of large, full-bodied women. And Kate Mulgrew, who was Captain Janeway, was a very strong speaker. And there was so much fun and humor too. I will probably write more soon. Hope you enjoy the photos.

2007-09-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

Three more! The lovely tall actress is Terry Farrell, who played Jadzia Dax (I hope I am spelling it right), and then the dark-haired actress is Nana Visitor, a Broadway singer/dancer who played Kira. Finally, the redhead is Gates McFadden who played Dr. Beverly Crusher.

2007-09-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

Last month, I went to my very first Star Trek Convention. It was a wonderful adventure! I signed up for several "photo opps" including these two you see here. In my pretty blond wig, I am pictured with the elegant and beautiful Nichelle Nichols, Lt. Uhura of the original "Star Trek" series, who really made me feel like a "girlfriend"! In the other photo, I am warmly greeted by Tim Russ, who played Tuvok.

I could write much more about the adventure, and will. Just wanted to whet your appetites!

2007-09-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

I took flowers to my son Ethan's grave today. It was his birthday; he would have been turning eleven today if he'd lived. It was a beautiful sunny day.

I felt some peacefulness there, sang his favorite song "Edelweiss" and took a lot of photos. I also visited my mom's grave while there. I'm not showing you their actual stones because it seems too private a thing to share here, but you can see the beautiful windchimes and angels in the trees at Babyland. It's really a bittersweet experience to be there, but I'm almost always peaceful after I've been.

I sure love that little boy, my sweet blond baby.

2007-09-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am in love with a little film called "Once." It's an Irish film and is a musical, an unusual love story, and one of the most envigorating movies I've ever seen about creating music...and about love...please go see it if it's in your area. I also bought the soundtrack, which features the leads Glen Hansard and Marketa Iglova. They are a real-life couple and were already friends when the film was in production. It was at film festivals this year and has just arrived here in Minneapolis, at one theatre.

In the first scene, I was a bit worried 'cause I didn't really understand the accents (Irish), but soon it smoothed out for me and I was captivated. When it ended, I sat through all of the credits and then didn't want to leave. One of those film experiences where you really live it and then it's almost painful to end it. I'm enjoying the soundtrack ever since. It's on display at Borders, so I guess I'm not the only one under the spell of "Once."

I won't say anything more because I want it to unfold for you. And don't read any reviews. Just go, and let me know that you did!

2007-08-31T16:43:00.000-07:00

I promised news of my busy teenager, A.J. So here it is:

http://www.mtvu.com/music/freshmen/

is a link which will take you to MTV's Freshmen Video of the Week website. This past week's video was "Big Drag" by Limbeck, a California band who came to Minneapolis to shoot their video. A.J. worked on the making of the video for a weekend during his Spring Break. He was a gopher/assistant/intern and also appears in the video!

Limbeck's video won last week, and that means my kid is on MTV! as well as on their website.

If you watch it, you will see A.J. at approximately the point where the chorus of "Big Drag" is first heard. That shows on the timing on the screen as -2:25 to -2:21. He's the tall guy in the back of the living room, near the mantel, standing quite tall and still, with an afro of curly dark hair. That's my A.J.!

Let me know if you see it...a mom can brag, right? Anyway, even though he wasn't the director, it's a step toward his goal of becoming a filmmaker.

2007-08-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

Home after all of the August travels, and it feels so good to be at my piano again! I also got a refreshing new haircut and color while in California, just in time for all the challenges of September. New job, new semester, new routine to get used to.

I'll post again later today as there is good news about A.J. to share!

2007-08-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

I took this photo at the Monterey Aquarium almost exactly a year ago.

So much has happened in the flow of life this past year!

I feel grateful to have learned many life lessons in the past twelve months.

Tomorrow I fly to California again, but only for a few days this time.

I'm also grateful that love and learning go hand in hand for me. You might even say I learn by loving!

2007-08-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

On one of our last August mornings in Vermont, we awoke to a heavy fog. It blanketed the island where our little cabin sits. Here is a photo I took of my sister, who is taking a photo of my son.

This morning in Minnesota, I awoke very early to a similar fog. I had a 6:50 a.m. appointment with an endodontist, who first inspected, then diagnosed, and then performed a root canal on one of my lower teeth.

I have been medicated and novocaine'd and then medicated again, and I am to spend at least the majority of today in bed, resting. I've given my son and his friend a list of chores and errands to complete, and it seems the perfect foggy day for me to stay very quiet here at home.

I had a busy week so far. This feels like a gift. It's akin to that "sick day" feeling in grade school, when I'd have some non-life-threatening virus which caused my Nana and Mom to decide to keep me home from school, and I'd tuck in to Nana's bed with the soft white bedspread for the day.

For today, I am a little girl again, like the photo above. Quiet and not really bothering anybody, just quiet and resting, maybe I'll read, listen to music, whatever constitutes resting. A rare event for me these days!

2007-08-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

More happy scenes from my Vancouver visit. The final shot is of me with my aunt and uncle. I am doing my patented eyes-closed-for-the-photo pose. Figures! But it's still a fun memory, even if I do look like a blind psychedelic ex-hippie.

2007-08-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

A pretty magical afternoon in the park near my cousins' home in Coquitlam, B.C., Canada this past week.

My two little cousins are very special to me.

I can't believe that in less than a year, I will live close enough to see them really often! It's going to be great to share their growing-up years.

The neighbor cat, Annie, enjoys their attentions.

Just a beautiful visit, and I also had an exciting and other-worldly trip to Las Vegas just before my Vancouver trip...Vegas was for the Star Trek Convention and time with my favorite guy. Photos will come later on that one.

Now I'm back home for a week, then one more quick trip and then it's time for buckling down to the school, work, and practicum routine of the fall. I'm sure making every day count this last month of summer.

Hope you are, too.

2007-08-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

I hope that these are self-explanatory cabin photos! Except that once again, I must say that the extra-puffy jowls you see on me are related to my dental woes which developed on this trip. I am a rather round-faced girl and I do have chins, plural, but this has been a puffy, swollen left side all week. I think today the swelling is starting to go down some! hurrah for that!

Wish me luck flying. I am to take double of the pain meds. and 800-1000 mg of Advil just to be sure that I can handle the pressure changes and possible pain related to the infection.

We fly home tomorrow, but my cousins L&T stay on here for another two weeks or so.

The stars at night are like nothing else...so beautiful. I'll miss it and must find a way to get back here next summer, even though it's the summer of double graduations and packing to move west and packing AJ to head off to college, and so on....Vermont needs to be fit in there, too!

2007-08-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

A few images from our family cabin in Vermont....more to come!

AJ caught two beautiful big bass, which we enjoyed as part of our dinner that night. Cousins Tom and Laurie brought much energy and fun to the mix when they arrived yesterday. My sister Amy, cousin Laurie, and I were sad not to swim today (thunderstorms), so we held up our bathing suits and modeled them! Funny photo of me, Amy, and AJ was on one of our goofy watching movies together nights. We have a lot of those.
Note my swelled up face/jowls? I have an infected tooth and need a root canal, I discovered while here. Should say it discovered me....major pain...but the dentist put me on antibiotics and pain meds. so I'm hanging in there. Not fun, but this is part of life, too!

2007-08-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

Friends ever since we were 8 years old...Brina and Cindy, also known as the Sarabande flute and piano duo, and we are the kind of old friends who can pick up right where we left off, and we telephone each other long-distance at the exact same second, asking, "Are you ok?"

Love love love my friend Cindy.

My son and I are here in Vermont, and we are having a sunny and relaxing week. More photos to follow. Here's my favorite one so far, of me and Cindy, friends forever.

(Many prayers and thoughts are heading back home to Minneapolis, where there was such a horrible tragedy last night with the I-35 bridge collapse.)

2007-07-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

My son was in a car accident tonight near the Metrodome downtown. He and his two friends are ok; the car is banged up in front but we'll know more tomorrow after the body shop looks at it. Boy, that is the phone call no mom wants to receive:"Mom...we were in an accident...but we're all okay..."

I was and am relieved. And just tucked him in and told him a bedtime story like old times. We were set to leave for our mother-son trip to Vermont in the early a.m., but now we'll wait and fly the next morning. Tomorrow we have to deal with insurance company, police report, doctor's checkup, towing, body shop, and probably more.

But yes, he's ok. Thank you, God, for watching over the boys. (A woman driver who was driving without insurance, with dim headlights, and erratic driving clipped my son's car as he was doing a legal U-turn.) Nobody was really hurt, just the two cars.

Sigh. Time for sleep. Thanks for listening.

My son says "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

2007-07-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

Shakespeare speaks to me...about love...

"Love from one side hurts, but love from two sides heals."

"This is the very ecstasy of love,
Whose violent property fordoes itself
And leads the will to desperate undertakings
As oft as any passion under heaven
That does afflict our natures."

I see it and I feel it. And for all the pain I've felt this summer, it's been worth it. I'm not afraid of love or pain!

2007-07-24T06:52:00.000-07:00

Three of my favorite beings in the world, who happen to be my son and two of his best friends, inhabited my living space this weekend.

Here they are lounging on the couch reading Chinese books for fun. Just after this, they told me stories of public urination and I pretended to be shocked. They are all 17, and while staying here, they remembered to thank me for food and other essentials. They laugh just the way they did when they were little boys together, but soon they'll all be in college (one more year) and I know they're going to be great at whatever they choose to do in life.

Good boys, these three! (My son is on the left, if you needed me to point that out. How about that afro?)

2007-07-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

"If I Fell" (Lennon/McCartney)

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause Ive been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands...

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her

'cause I couldnt stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two

If I fell in love with you...

It's always been one of my favorite Beatles songs. Today I'm doing pretty well with my heartbreak and my new status as "just Brina." I was in my coffeeshop doing paper work, and the song came on. My heart went, "ohhhhhhhh." In fact, I may have gasped aloud. But then, I just soaked it up. It's beautiful, and so is love.

This time 'round, we hurt each other.

But it has beauty.

I'm ok.

2007-07-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

My treasured old "Snow Leopard" sits snuggling on my bedcovers with his new little friend, Fox. Fox was a gift from Pam and Snow Leopard was a gift from my ex-boyfriend.

My heart was warmed to see these two. I mean, don't they look real? Honestly!

2007-07-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

The relationship is ended.
We are both agreed.
It is over.
And I will survive (so will he).

I imagine us ten years from now. He'll be up in Vancouver attending a football game and he'll see my name in a newspaper article--something glowing about my therapy practice, no doubt--and he'll get my phone number, call me, and I'll very peacefully invite him to dinner. We'll sit down together and laugh and smile and tell each other, "We sure had a time!" and our hearts won't be bleeding and broken like they are this morning.

I have a life to live without him. Now I'd better go do it.

Keep me encircled in your thoughts and prayers, please. I loved this man very much.

2007-07-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

It's my cousin Marcus's birthday this weekend. I was a teenager when he was born, so we are almost of different generations, 16 years apart. He's one of my favorite people, one of those relatives you know you'd actually choose for a friend, were you not already related by blood.

And he's a world-class musician: a trumpet player with the Vancouver Symphony, a composer who has such talent that he's being recognized internationally, with premieres and commissions in Canada and the U.S. and Europe.

He's also a strong and dedicated athlete and an awesome father and husband.

Can I say anything less than glowing about him? Let's see. Um. He...he often leaves things behind or loses things. I imagine that's due to his constant creative mind working overtime.

And when he was a little boy, and I was a teenager and then a young woman, he and I had such a bond, sharing adventures in the woods and playing with worms and salamanders and mud...so much so that at age five, he asked me, "Brina, will you marry me?"

I love telling that story to his wife Angie, who is the best addition to our family ever!

Happy Birthday, Marcus!

Here are some photos of my handsome cousin Marcus, who turns 34 today. Love that guy!

2007-07-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

Something beautiful for today.

And I thank God for good friends, who watch and listen and who are not afraid to say, "Honey, you might need some more help here." I do, and I'm getting it.

Thanks.

Love these eagles!

And I'm going to be ok. Thanks for caring.

2007-07-14T02:11:00.000-07:00

I reached the end of my loving, patient, unconditional love tonight and I am not even content to leave his picture up on this blog. It's just too much to bear. I've reached my breaking point and cannot keep holding out hope for our love to prevail. It's not going to!

I learned something. Love may be stronger than anything, but you can't love someone into the light. If he wants to live in a dark, lying state, he will live in a dark, lying state. Period. No amount of unconditional love is going to change someone's core. If he's a liar and a cheat at the core, that's his reality and his approach to life. Do what you can get away with. Take advantage of people. Use them before they can use you. etc. (reference: "The Sopranos" or any Mafia movie, you get the idea) Those were his core values, at some level. He sees people as objects. He disdains most people. This is not a generous, loving man.

My guy came from a lineage of Mafia men. His grandfather was in the Mafia. That's something I could joke about before. Now? I see it as having formed something dead inside him, and I don't want to live with that dead part of him. I thought he had evolved beyond his heritage. Apparently I thought wrong.

And the lying and cheating and deception that was his daily pattern started to eat away at me. I found myself turning into more of a suspicious, distrustful, wary soul. And that's not my normal state. It doesn't suit me. I shouldn't have to spend any of my precious energy or the years I have left in life looking over my shoulder, wondering what lie he's covering up now.

The good news is that in discovering this last big lie, I reached the end of my tolerance. I finally have to face it: This man is not for me. I love him, but he's not the person I should spend my life with. And I can't just know him casually. Our love is too deep for that. So I have to walk away.

Nothing could be worse than giving up hope, but it's all I can do tonight, so I've finally admitted it. There isn't anything left except the tiniest flame burning inside, and it's not enough to sustain me or us. And beyond that, what's left is disgust. Because I saw the lies for what they are, and I saw that he is not willing to apologize and apply his energies to growing and changing> He's just accepting this as his fate in life. He is what he is. "Life isn't fair," he'll say rather than apologize when caught in a lie. Well, no, that's wrong, dear. Life can be fair if you live fairly!

I'm just not able to keep hope alive about us. I keep thinking about integrity. It's huge for me. It's a huge core value. And for him? Apparently not.

I'm so wounded as to be in agony. I really can't believe this has played itself out this way.

Thanks for caring, blog friends. I will be having a hard time, I know, for a while, and I'd appreciate your prayers, love, and kindness while I struggle back up to my powerful positive light.

I will survive and come back with refreshed optimism. It just may take a while.

2007-07-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

My guy and I visited a wonderful aviation museum in Langley, B.C., Canada in May. I enjoyed taking photos of, and from almost inside, the reconstructed old planes.

Reading "How to Keep Your Spiritual Wits About You in a Romantic Relationship" today, from www.spiritualsisters.com, I am struck by how romantic love is like flying:

"Romantic love is not for the weak of heart. It is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. It is here that we hopefully have our most emotionally and sexually intimate moments with another human being. It is here that our most painful emotional wounds eventually surface in order to be exorcised. And it is here that we most deeply get to know ourselves."

There is much in this essay that helps me these days. I believe in the power of romantic love and in the power of facing our fears. Sometimes we do that best through the difficult times.

And sometimes we can fly!

2007-07-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

How we are perceived

I have a coffeeshop where I've been a regular for 10 years now. The staff is almost all women, and three generations of one family own the place. I love it, and them, dearly, and I think they really like me too.

One of the younger women who works there is about 19 and exuberant, colorful, just a positive spirit of a girl. When I stopped in the other day during her shift, she started to make my drink and then we got to talking about where we live. Having never been to my place, she just started describing to me where she would picture me living. She knows I'm going to be moving out west in 2008, so that's part of the glamour, I think, but here's what she described:

"I just see you living way up high, in a modern apartment building or a townhouse that's perched over a city, with the night lights below you and a big spiral staircase, you know, like in the movies? And you dress really nice and there's music and champagne!"

Gotta love this girl!

And yes, even though I'm still living in the Midwest (for now), I do live at the very top of a modern apartment building, perched over...a highway...with the city lights across the way shining brightly at night. There's no spiral staircase, but I do have some spirals on my canopy bed frame...and do I dress glamorously? Sometimes! champagne? Not really, maybe I'd better look into that. Music: yes!

My ideas about where to live when I move west are quite urban: Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Vegas. And I'd love to be perched up high, though my sweet Polly dog would like to be able to just go out to the yard and have her own space! (She's a very good apartment dog, but a house would be nice for her sake.)

Interesting, how we are perceived...

2007-07-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

I got the job! The practicum job for this coming academic year...the job I wanted...was offered to me today!

Very happy moment.

It's a big step in my path as a therapist. I'm really going to work hard and it's a great environment for me. I know I can "do good" there.

Yeah!

2007-07-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

How to Make Yourself Irreplaceably Lovable: The List

(It worked on me...and I don't regret it.)

* snore in your sleep

* prefer cats to humans, but exhibit a soft spot for certain humans too

* sing to your girlfriend in a loud, ill-modulated voice, especially songs with irritating choruses; at other times, sing in a sweet and soft, almost pretty voice and make her swoon; also, sing love ballads in the shower when you don't realize she's listening!

* "lose" items that are actually in your pocket, especially very close to the time when you really must be out the door to an appointment, work, or even to catch a plane

* work your way so deep into your loved one's heart that it is impossible to extract you, ever

* be yourself, the good/bad/ugly

* while being yourself, be surprising at times so that your loved one can't fully understand or predict what you will do next

* sing, often

* laugh, every day

* be forgiving, and admit when you need to be forgiven

* hold your loved one's hand

* be yourself

2007-07-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

I'm really feeling very bereft tonight, from the problems in my romance, and I need to look at images of what is Good and Right in my life. What is Good and Right are the people who are my closest family and friends. Here are some of them.

I think that I have been so much in love that I may have been shortchanging the other important people whom I love, this past year. I hope that they all will forgive me. I am grateful that I can lean on them, even Polly my sweet dog. This is a very hard time and I need to lean.

2007-06-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

While my son was in China last month, he had his portrait done by an artist on china!

He looks very much like himself, on this plate.

We are trying to figure out how and where to display it.

And sometimes I can't believe it: my little boy is a young man...almost eighteen...with a kind of a beard!

2007-06-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

Sad, knocked down for a while, but still here!

And heartbreak is a very good weight-loss program. I seem to have shed about 6 pounds from all the crying.

But as I said, I'm still here. That's something.

2007-06-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the world feels all turned around, and the ground under your feet isn't solid. The person you love treats you horribly, lies to you, and tears out your heart. The plans and promises you've made become like cackling, mocking bird calls in your head, and you question everything you've shared.

This is my state of mind, as I have broken off my relationship, which was very near the point of marriage.

I hurt, but there is hope that my feet will be on the ground again soon and that new love will eventually find me.

And I'll never forget the old love; I just can't live my life with him, as I'd hoped.

He was standing next to me when I took this photo in January. The sky is the Oakland Zoo sky. We shared that beautiful time together and so many more. Now we are through.

2007-06-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

Polly is so happy to have her boy back! He has traveled the globe and has been sleeping odd hours to catch up with that pesky jetlag. The other day, Polly insisted on getting up on the bed with him!

2007-06-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

Is it real or is it Jon Renau fashion wig? You tell me!

2007-06-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day, this year, I was in Canada, away from my fabulous teenager. So belatedly, I am now taking a moment to celebrate my life as Mom. On the left is my favorite photo of me holding baby Ethan, who only lived 138 days but who is never forgotten. On the right is me holding a tired and happy A.J., who had just spent the whole afternoon at the Minnesota Zoo with me. I believe we are gazing at Mr. Moose. I love our hair and our cuddly mood in this photo. I love my boys.

2007-06-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

Just a few of the quieter moments from my time up in Vancouver in May. Somehow we always end up back at the water's edge there. And the light. The light in Vancouver, when it's not raining, or even when it is...I love the light in Vancouver.

2007-05-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

Sunny Sunday at the Minnesota Zoo

2007-04-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

Sisters with Beethoven,

at Max's Diner last night!

I have new colored hair and a straight "do"

so now I look more like my sister than ever!

2007-04-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

It's Mom's birthday.

She's in heaven, not on earth, but when she was on earth, she made a difference.

Love you, Mom.

2007-04-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Meet Carly, our fish.

She likes colorful surroundings, so I like to share my glass paperweight collection, and candles, with her. Today she is having a particularly delightful day.

I named her after a wonderful woman we knew when I was a little girl: Charlotte Fish. Charlotte and her husband Charlie Fish were neighbors of ours, and Charlie had a glass paperweight collection too. It all makes sense to me.

A girl gave A.J. this little female beta fish for Valentine's Day! At first, the fish didn't have a name and lived at A.J.'s other house, until one day A.J.'s cat tried to capture the fish for dinner! That was the night that Carly Fish came to live with us, and I named her. I have purchased a much bigger fish home for her, but she is so happy in this little one, I let her keep it for now.

2007-04-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

I'LL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU

(from the film "Love Me or Leave Me")

(Sammy Cahn/Nicholas Brodzsky)

I'll never stop loving you

Whatever else I may do

My love for you

Will live 'till time itself is through

I'll never stop wanting you

And when forever is through

My heart will beat

The way it does each time we meet

The night doesn't question the stars

That appear in the skies

So why should I question the stars

That appear in my eyes

Of this I'm more than just sure

My love will last and endure

I'll never, no

I'll never stop loving you

2007-03-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

I hate car problems!

Today my shiny new car died twice in rush-hour traffic. Died as in lost power. Right there at a red light. Twice.

I just had the car in for its oil change and service a week ago, and the fluids and everything are all fine. I have a full tank of gas. The car is not overheating, but something is wrong electrically.

Losing power on a big car (it's a Dodge Magnum with a V8 HEMI engine!) is very unnerving. I am still shaky.

I got it home, and I am awaiting the tow truck now.

I can drive my old car this week while my son is traveling some. That's a hidden blessing, I guess.

Anyway, I'm ok. But it was scary!

2007-03-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

My son "Elwood" and I got dressed up tonight and headed into St. Paul for a fabulous piano recital by the incomparable Emanuel Ax, who played Beethoven and Schumann. He played the "Appassionata" sonata of Beethoven and one of my favorite Schumann pieces, the set called "Papillons," as well as an early Beethoven sonata and a Schumann Fantasy. Heaven.

Thought it would be fun to share a few photos of mother and son here. I am looking rather puffy and tired, as you can see, but Elwood is spiffy enough for the both of us!

Hope you all had a great night. I loved sharing the recital with my son, whatever his name is!

2007-03-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

Princess Polly and her very loving owner. Two girls! today! Polly went to the vet for help with her eyes, which tend to get inflamed and irritated. She was such a good patient that the veterinary assistants dressed her up with a bow and bandanna. She even smells nice! Almost like a trip to the groomer. Anyway, she's happy to be home and is now sound asleep.

Love these photos.

2007-03-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

We take care of each other, mother and son, son and mother.

Such balance in the way we change. I love these two photos together.

I have a wonderful son.

2007-03-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

Poem for today (found on Garrison Keillor's wonderful site,
www.writersalmanac.publicradio.org )

Poem: "Undelivered Mail" by Rhina P. Espaillat
from Playing at Stillness. © Truman State University Press.

Undelivered Mail

Dear Daughter,
Your father and I wish to commend you
on the wisdom of your choices
and the flawless conduct of your life

Dear Poet!
Where is the full-length manuscript
you promised us?
Your check is waiting
The presses are ready
and the bookstores are clamoring for delivery

Darling,
This convention is tedious
beyond belief:
the hotel is swarming with disgustingly overexposed women
far too young to have dignity or any minds at all

Dear Patient:
The results of your blood tests reveal
that your problem stems from
a diet dangerously low in pizza and chocolate

Dear Mom,
You were right about everything
and I was an idiot not to listen.

2007-03-09T04:36:00.000-08:00

I've got the flu. Bad. I feel as though I've been run over, and every joint and fiber in my body is aching.

Please send me some "there, there, it'll be ok" hugs, virtually speaking. I promise you can't catch my flu that way.

This is the painting on my bedroom wall which I see when I'm in bed. I love her. She is keeping me company, more than tv or music. I'll tell you about the painting next time I blog.

2007-03-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

I had a wise and deep grandfather. He helped to raise us in Vermont. He took my mom and my sister and me in and we lived with Grampa and Nana in a small three-bedroom house with one bathroom, three generations of us, for much of my growing-up years. He was my father figure, and when I grew up, he became a friend to me. I couldn't wait for a chance to visit him, and even when we lived many states apart, I made those trips to Vermont every year to spend a few weeks with him. Lots of good times together. He died ten years ago, at age 92.

It snowed hard here this week and is still snowing. I think of Grampa Marvin and how he loved weather, snowfalls, and the hard work and challenges that they would bring. He loved to shovel. He loved to get out into the woods on his snowshoes, too.

When I came in from being out in the snow just now, I sat down in my son's room and saw Grampa Marvin's hat. The same hat that is in this photo from around 1980! It's something very special, that we have this hat. I've even seen my son wear it, though only in the house.

I think of Grampa so often. He was very quiet but also told good stories. I wish he were here tonight to sit and talk with me. I have a feeling he'd enjoy this snowfall. I miss him, sometimes more than I miss either of my parents. When I'm making big decisions, as I am these days, I want to run them by him. I suppose I still can, if I listen very hard.

2007-03-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Snow Day from a Girl and her Dog, Minnesota-style....

2007-02-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

I'm in a very dark night at this time, after the ebullience and optimism of Valentine's Day. My heart is wounded and I wonder how to cope. Then I saw this photo from "my" beach in Seaside near Monterey, CA, with the weather-beaten wooden cross and the beautiful sunset, and some kind of eerie spot on the photo. A spot on the lens? The Moon? What is that spot?

I love someone who seems unable to relax into the love. This is hurting us both, and I am beside myself with sorrow today.

A dark night

2007-02-19T22:34:00.000-08:00

Another silly, happy cousins photo of me and Laurie. These fezzes (great word!) belonged to our grandfather, whom neither of us met. He died before we were born. We enjoyed wearing these and being together, as always.

2007-02-19T06:57:00.000-08:00

Cousins together in January...I had such a relaxing, fun time with my dear cousin "sis" Laurie on my visit that I forgot to blog about it. We bring out the best in each other. Here we are just before getting on the road to the airport to return home. I love Laurie's expressions!

Can you see our family resemblance? I think you could hear it, if you heard us laughing together!

2007-02-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my boyfriend does this little dance I like to call his "rodent dance." It's one of the silliest, cutest things I've ever seen. Of course I'm utterly besotted with him at the moment so everything he does makes me smile. But trust me, it's cute!

Thus, for me even the word "rodent" has taken on a romantic, silly feel to it. So today I was in a silly, lonesome mood and google'd "Rodent Dance" and this is what came up. It's a set of instructions for keeping your rodent happy. I believe it was written by a British schoolteacher of elementary school kids, some of whom are learning to care for their pet rodent at home.

Well, I may be one silly Valentine's girl, but to me, this could easily apply to your rodent boyfriend. So, what follows may be read as "Things to keep your boyfriend happy". Enjoy, Ladies!

Things to keep your rodent happy

Make your Rodent's life wonderful with our great tips!

When you first get a rodent it might wriggle around a lot. Don't worry. That is only because it may not have been handled before.

Sing to your rodent.

Exercise your rodent by building an assault course.

Read poems to your rodent.

Share a book with your rodent.

Put some music on for you and your rodent to dance to.

Share your salad with your rodent.

Find a suitable video for your quiet night in, The Rescuers Down Under is popular.

Take your rodent on walks around the house.

Remember to feed your rodent healthy food.

Never let your cat near your rodent because you don't want a cat to have your rodent as a tasty treat!

Get your rodent to model for some pics.

Clean out your rodents cage reguarly or it might end up smelly.

Let your rodent watch a television programme.

Listen to the radio with your rodent.

Create a special game for your rodent to play.

Train your rodent to do tricks.

Give your rodent plenty of treats.

Put tubes in your rodents cage (If it is a Gerbil, toilet roll tubes are good. If a guinea-pig, ones from pet shops are best.)

When you get out your rodent, stand still with it and stroke it for a bit so it calms down.

Draw pictures of your rodents.

Switch off the T.V. and play with your rodent instead.

Basically just sit back and relax with your rodent!!

2007-02-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

Do something surprising this Valentine's Day.

I'm going to pull off a VERY big surprise for my sweetheart. He has no idea what's in store for him. I can't wait!

2007-02-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

Some more relaxed moments from the Vancouver weekend...

2007-02-06T07:28:00.000-08:00

Images of our family, gathered in Vancouver this weekend for the world premiere of "I Send Only Angels," an orchestral work by my cousin Marcus Goddard. The Vancouver Symphony performed the piece on Saturday night and again on Monday night. It was a huge success. We had an energetic congratulations party after Saturday night's concert. These photos are from the party. I love that we all dressed in the same color scheme without planning it!

2007-02-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

My wonderful friend Pam and I in front of the Inukshuk sculpture this weekend in Vancouver, B.C.

2007-01-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

My happy afternoon at the Oakland Zoo. I was like a little girl, and as I was with my favorite man in the world, it was a heavenly day. We stayed until they were closing down the zoo for the day. These are some of the outdoor animals we especially enjoyed.

Many of our favorites were indoors, and I didn't photograph them for fear of the flash bothering them. I loved the red-tailed boa constrictor, large tortoises whose name I am forgetting now, alligator who was so still as to be confused with a statue, river otters, brightly colored poisonous frogs (mating!), walking sticks and praying mantis, diving beetles, and these beautiful giraffes and elephants. One giraffe delighted in running. She completely captivated us. We also saw some of the courtship/bonding ritual of the male and female adult giraffe. Wow! is all I can say.

Very few people were at the zoo, and those who were seemed completely happy, just like us. A day that should never end, and one of my last vacation days before school begins again.

Happy.

2007-01-25T16:57:00.000-08:00

What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?

What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and south and east and west of your life?
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me.
All the seasons and the times of your days.
All the nickels and the dimes of your days.
Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days
All begin and end with me.
I want to see your face,
In every kind of light,
In fields of gold and
Forests of the night;
And when you stand before
The candles on a cake,
Oh let me be the one to hear
The silent wish you make.

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes
In the world of love you keep in your eyes,
Ill awaken whats asleep in your eyes,
It may take a kiss or two...
Through all of my life...
Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life,
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you.

2007-01-19T19:26:00.000-08:00

E's grave is at the Babyland section of this cemetery. Here is the tree where parents always hang wind chimes and other special decorations. I brought a little wolf pup and silk tulips to his spot today. Even in the new snow, I walked right up to the correct place and simply brushed away the snow...I must have walked up that hill more than 100 times in the past ten years.

Can you read the sign in the tree? Angels Gather Here.

2007-01-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

Remembering my sweet little E, who died ten years ago on January 19.

More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

I'm taking a teddy bear and balloon to his spot at the cemetery this noon. Mostly I feel proud to be his mom. He was only here on earth for 138 days but he did reach people and he made a difference in people's lives. One of the neonatologists told me that Ethan changed him forever, and I believe that.

Love is powerful. I'm not just feeling "strong," but calm today. That has to be about love more than anything; otherwise I'd be cowed down by grief and unable to have my own life. I no longer have to define myself as a bereaved mother, but I will never stop missing and loving Ethan George.

He was cute, funny, stubborn, engaging, charming, sweet, and adorable, and he had his own tastes and preferences and showed them. He was born with blue eyes which turned brown overnight in the hospital when he was three months old, and his hair was very blond. He said one word, "Wow!", clear as day. He loved music and he hated clothes with buttons, zippers, or anything up around his neck. He had very specific favorite ways to be held and comforted, and on his next-to-the-last day, he insisted that I keep my finger on his chin, just so.

He made friends with everyone who came across his path at the hospital, and at his funeral all of his nurses and doctors came to be with us, as well as many friends and family, and we played music and told stories and cried and somehow made our way through what was really an experience you'd never imagine happening to you.

I remember it all vividly, but it doesn't haunt me. I am just calm today. I just feel the love.

2007-01-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

Opening presents, just the three of us on Christmas Day.

My aspiring filmmaker son received several films on DVD: Woody Allen's "Sleeper" and "Annie Hall," Hitchcock's "North by Northwest", Polly received dog treats and a dino meant to be a people toy, and I received a great cookbook about Fish.

A simple, cozy day.

2006-12-25T20:12:00.000-08:00

Our peaceful Christmas day together

As you can see, Polly finds her role very important. She must supervise the opening of presents, she must check out the presents, she must attack the stuffed animal (which was not for her, but for A.J.), and she must approve of all activities.

Now that I've got the tree lights and lit-up reindeer going, our watchful Polly has retired to bed early. She finds the lights to be "too much"!

It's been a very quiet, lovely day here. I wish everyone could be this peaceful. Merry Christmas.

2006-12-24T09:23:00.000-08:00

A festive gathering of our Book Club, earlier in December. I love the candlelight (we look better in that light!), the beautiful elegant surroundings, but most of all, the good friends. We never run out of ideas or of our enthusiasm for being together. As my grampa would say, we are certainly a "handsome group of women" (direct quote from him about ten years ago, when he saw a series of photos of us at a holiday party!!!!!).

2006-12-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

just us silly, sleepy girls!

2006-12-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle!

From there we went to Vancouver, B.C., where we celebrated Christmas early. Getting home yesterday entailed a drive from Vancouver down to Seattle, some delays at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport, and finally our flights home. I got in at 2 a.m. and am finally feeling rested now.

Tomorrow I can put up our tree here at the apartment. We have new snow here in Minneapolis, which makes it feel very Christmas'y.

(And we saw Santa at the Space Needle!)

2006-12-14T05:43:00.000-08:00

A boy and his dog...doesn't this look like they're on board a ship? or like the photographer/mom has had a bit too much to drink? I don't know how I managed to take such a tipsy photo! (and no, I wasn't drinking, I was studying for final exams). I love Polly's funny position. She's smiling sardonically, too, don't you think?

My household, it makes me smile just to look at them!

After taking finals and turning in my final paper tonight, I will be done with grad. school until early February. Cannot wait to feel that "I did it!" surge of relief and accomplishment.

But for now, it's back to the books.

2006-12-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

What does this expression say?

I took this self-portrait just before leaving for Barnes and Noble and the Who night yesterday.

What do you think it is saying? I'm curious!

2006-12-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

Rachel Fuller and Pete Townshend performing "Just Breathe" for an intimate gathering of us at the Minneapolis Barnes & Noble store yesterday evening, before the Who played for a much bigger group over across the Mississippi in St. Paul. I was the lucky girl to be there for both events. The photo on the left above is me and Mikey Cuthbert, talented singer/songwriter and "In the Attic" co-star with Rachel. Rachel, Pete, and Mikey were all very warm and genuine and it was a special pleasure to meet them after being in the blogger family with them for the past year-plus.

I'll write more about last night when I can get back here. I'm deeply consumed with my last week of grad. school for the semester and can't seem to spend too much time away from the books.

2006-12-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

We had a girls' day...me, my sister, and my sweet dog. It's sunset now and I'm only just now beginning the work of the day.

For some reason, I love this blurry photo of us.

2006-12-01T23:11:00.000-08:00

When I was in college (the first time), I used to keep a very terse little journal, in which I'd jot: "Things of Today"--sometimes just three phrases, or three names, to remind me later of what that day was like.

I'm more verbose now, but today was a very good day.

* Up so early with Polly that it was still pitch dark outside, the moon almost full, the stars so clean and clear.

* Falling in love with Beethoven, again, fresh, and so happy with my baby grand piano that I almost had to pinch myself. I'm a lucky girl.

* Comfortable and quiet all alone here today, with only one foray to the coffeehouse where I chatted with friends. Otherwise, I had a solitary day, and it was a nice feeling for a change.

* Outside of the little grocery store, a blue star-shaped balloon had been released, and I watched it go right up to heaven!
This made me think of Ethan, and the many times we've released balloons to heaven for our little E.

* Driving, listening to music, chasing the sunset until I found the perfect spot where I could watch it, and then after dark, enjoying the beautiful holiday lights.

* Finding the energy and focus to do my work tonight without being too sleepy. A miracle!

and now, to bed.

There's someone whom I just love with all of my heart, who spoke with me for about two hours by phone yesterday. His voice is still in my head, so when I say that I had a solitary quiet day, it's really not so. He was "with" me all the time. Sigh. Love is like that. You're never really alone. It's hard to be apart sometimes, very hard, but we live inside of each other. I felt that today.

2006-11-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

I love the light in Monterey.

2006-11-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

tonight's sunset on my beach here in Seaside, looking across to Monterey

Thank you, God, for our beautiful earth and sky, ocean and land, birds and all beings. Thank you for love and for life and thank you for showing us how to love. Help us to make a difference here, and with each sunset, remind us of our many blessings.

My Thanksgiving prayer!

2006-11-22T04:07:00.000-08:00

Two more photos from this afternoon in Monterey. I love how the light keeps changing. And there's nothing better than bare feet in the beach sand...mmmm! happy!

2006-11-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

Grey Cup Weekend in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada...I saw Santa at the parade!...and then the Big Game. A wonderful, brrrrrrr cold winter weekend with the best of company. Now I really have the Christmas spirit!

2006-11-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

happy, and sappy, in monterey

2006-11-16T23:37:00.000-08:00

On my way to Winnipeg, singing...

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

2006-11-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

I look like both of my parents. In these two photos, I am making expressions like each of them. I find it so fascinating, how we carry our ancestors in our very faces!

Missing them both lately.

I had a wonderful talk with two of my grad. school classmates at the library yesterday. They are both in their midtwenties, and I am the age of their parents! We were talking about being separated from family, being close to family, love, pain, the whole thing. It felt great to connect with these girls, who are new to the program this year and with whom I've never sat and talked. It was a joy!

Anyway, I'm honoring my parents today. And it's time to wake up my teenager, who would happily sleep the day away if given the chance. I'm luring him awake with the smell of freshly baked muffins!

2006-10-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

Twisting with my sister to Herman's Hermits...in Marin county, California today. I'm suffering the end of my virus, horrible sore throat, cough, and layrngitis, but I can still smile and be silly and dance in the dining room!

Heading home on the red-eye flight tonight. Minnesota whirlwind of school and work assignments awaits me. (Well, to be perfectly truthful, I've been working a bit every day while here, so the work traveled to California too!)

Hope you're all well and that you are able to speak and sing. I literally have no voice.

2006-10-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a photo of my dad. He was a character, larger than life. I loved him.

I was blogging today with someone who wants to quit smoking. And it hit me, hard, that I lost both my parents when they were only 65, and they both smoked for most of their lives. Mom did give up cigarettes in her later years (yeah!) but I always have assumed that her breast cancer was related to the many years of heavy smoking. Dad gave up alcohol in 1978 and used to say, "I can't give up everything!" and meant it. Giving up smoking seemed impossible to him. And he died of lung cancer.

I feel them with me every day, but it sure would be nice if they were here on earth. They would be so interested in what I'm doing with my life now.

Every time I see someone I care about with a cigarette, I want to scream. In fact, I don't even hold my tongue about it. I just tell them what I'm feeling.

I'm not at the point of saying this to complete strangers, but someone I know? You bet! Stop smoking. Please.

2006-10-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

Freshly brightened hair for fall!

2006-10-08T15:06:00.000-07:00

I pray to the birds.
I pray to the birds because I believe
they will carry the messages of my heart upward.
I pray to them because I believe in their existence,
the way their songs begin and end each day
---the invocations and benedictions of earth.
I pray to the birds because they remind me of what I love
rather than what I fear.
And at the end of my prayers,
they teach me how to listen.

---- Terry Tempest Williams

[I took this photo on September 6, 2006, at Seaside, California]

2006-10-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Let partners come and go

One major obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp and cling to each other, preventing the freedom of love from rising on its own. Zen asks us to let go.

When someone comes into your life, let him come.
Welcome the person, whoever he is.
Enjoy what it is he brings, even if it's only for a short time.
When it is time for a person to go away, let him go.
Do not turn the person's leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment.
Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you.
It is simply time for him to go.

Do this with yourself as well.
Let yourself come and go freely in life, and don't get caught in unnecessary chains.
The more you free yourself and others, the more easily you fall in love.

* * *

Comments? What do you feel about this piece of zen advice? I'm sorry I don't know its original source; I found it on someone else's blog tonight and it spoke to me.

I am suffering a breakup. It seems that this has been happening on and off for a while, but I finally woke up and really admitted it today. Hard, hard pain. I feel untethered and like this photo of the open sky (a Monterey sky). I liked being grounded and knowing who (and "whose") I am. It's something of a challenge to find my ground when I am solo. I will learn to do this.

2006-09-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

three different colors, but all me!

Which do you like?

2006-09-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

September 19, 1929, my paternal grandparents, Margaret and Tom, on their wedding day. I never knew my grandfather on this side, as he died before I was born. I have been thinking about him today. He's the only grandparent I didn't know in time and in the flesh.

My friend Pam and I went to see Rosanne Cash and her trio play live last night. Her way of transforming her grief into images and music was really moving, and the songs took you to so many places. She told us of the first Cash relative to come to America (in the 17th century), and there were video and still images to go with the story-telling and songs. The spirits and passions of her ancestors are in her music. A really strong statement that made me come home and look at the faces of my family photos and portraits, including this one.

Speaking of family, Rosanne Cash's guitarist and producer, John Leventhal (one of the best guitarists I've ever heard live), is also her husband. They seemed to bring out the best in each other. Inspiring.

I have much hope today, about partnerships, marriages, and love conquering the bumps in the road. We all have challenges, but we have love. It is a bumpy ride but much better than sitting on the sidelines. Don't you agree?

2006-09-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

Two scenes from the Monterey Aquarium, Labor Day weekend. The beautiful jellyfish, and one of the playful sea otters, who is quite earnestly playing with his toys! Do you see the little blue blanket sort of thing, just between his white and his blue container? Right after I snapped this photo, he pulled himself up and almost all the way out of the white container, reached down and managed to pull the blue blanket thing into the container with him! It was adorable.

If you are ever in Monterey, CA, you must visit the Aquarium. I am a member there and a donor, and I've got such a strong love for this place. If you do go, save time for a meal. Their cafe is delicious fresh food of many cultures. I had a Mongolian beef and vegetables over rice dish which was custom-ordered to include what I wanted. Delicious!

2006-09-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

Cuddly day at home with Polly today. I am feeling under the weather and decided it should be a "pj's day" this afternoon. Po-Po thinks this is great! She doesn't like having her photo taken, though (she hates the flash), so I got a nice photo of her from above, as we sat on the floor together doing...nothing...which is what you are supposed to do when you're having a "pj's day"!

Hope you enjoy the photos.

2006-09-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

We all just help each other. Up over the rocks. And the ocean, the sun, the light all sustain us. Give me your hand.

It's a new day today.

September 12, 2006.

2006-09-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

A Prayer from Space
-- Frank Borman, from a moon-orbiting mission, December 1968

Give us, O God, the vision which can see
Your love in the world in spite of human failure.
Give us the faith to trust Your goodness
in spite of our ignorance and weakness.
Give us the knowledge that we may continue to pray
with understanding hearts.
And show us what each one of us can do
to set forward the coming of the day of universal peace.

2006-09-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

my very soft new t-shirt, from Monterey. I love it. It makes me think of the ocean there and I get that California feeling when I put it on. Happy purchase!

2006-09-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

Psstt....
Little Brina is turning 49 today!

2006-09-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

Images of Monterey

2006-08-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

A mermaid like me, who lives in the middle of the country, is her happiest when she is near the ocean.
My birthday is coming up very soon.
Accordingly, I am almost ready to fly west, and I will land by the Pacific!

I shall be a good mermaid and will try to post photos during my week there.

When I return, life will be very busy again, with Year Two of my graduate school classes beginning on the 7th of September. I have also joined an all-women's fitness club, where I will be working out, taking classes, and working on my nutrition, weight, and wellness in the company of other women. That begins for me as soon as I return from the ocean, too.

So I will take this next week as Mermaid Time. Soon it will be fall. Do you love this end-of-summer time? I sure do.

2006-08-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

I grew up in Essex Junction, Vermont. Essex Junction, called "the Village", is next to Essex, which is "the Town."

This past week, Essex was the site of a horrible crime. An angry and disturbed man, who had just broken up with his schoolteacher girlfriend, went on a shooting spree, killing two schoolteachers and wounding several other people, finally shooting himself. He survived, as did three of the people he shot. He shot the first woman at her home and then went to the elementary school where his estranged girlfriend would have been preparing her classroom for the fall. He didn't find her, and seems to have shot randomly at the school. A bullet went through a door and shot a teacher in the head, killing her. Other bullets hit other innocent people.

The two women who were killed were both in their 50s, had been elementary school teachers for their entire adult lives, and were important to their community. One of them grew up in the Village and I knew her younger siblings and have memories of her. She will be buried in her family plot which is right next to the family plot where I just visited my dad, uncle, and grandparents' graves. She will be one more grave for me to visit and honor.

The other woman is not someone I consciously knew, although she was apparently a waitress at the Lincoln Inn, the Greek restaurant in the center of the village, at various times in her life, so I probably did know her that way. She attended the little Congregational church where I was raised, and her funeral will be there. She was the mother of the gunman's estranged girlfriend.

We are all connected somehow. My heart is torn up about this horrible tragedy and how it affects the whole community there. Essex is one of those places where people feel safe, and the town is rather insular. Of course they have crime, but shootings are rare, and a school shooting is something new for Vermont, I believe.

There is the added burden of the race issue. The gunman was African-American, "not from here" as Vermonters would say, but from Massachusetts, and all of the victims were white. This is significant because Vermonters tend to be quite racist. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. It is one of the whitest states in the country, and something like this only serves to fuel the fires of racism and divisiveness and hatred.

All of the people there have been on my mind and heart this week. I don't know how much national attention this story has received, but for me it's been a big story and I've been following it, and talking with Vermont friends, daily.

I just wanted to share the event with my blogger friends. We never quite lose our roots, do we? I can picture all of the places in this "story" and I know so many of the families who are affected, who are interviewed in the local paper, and who work at the school, police station, funeral home, etc. I go back every summer, so I've kept up my ties, even though we have no family living there anymore, just cemeteries to visit.

I feel sad about this, and angry too.

If you want to read about the events, go to www.burlingtonfreepress.com, where the coverage has been thorough. The only journalistic decision they've made which bothered me was the inclusion of photographs of the estranged girlfriend and her sister at the court hearing the next day. They are two grieving women, and I just didn't understand why their faces had to be in the news alongside the gunman's face.

2006-08-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

Wealth, or at least the state of being financially secure, is something I never take for granted. I do feel "rich" in many ways, especially since breaking out of my marriage and finding my own path.

Today I was fortunate enough to be able to buy myself a new car. It is a new vehicle, although the dealership manager put 6,000 miles on it and then reduced the price accordingly. I am ecstatic. It's the car I wanted: a 2006 Dodge Magnum R/T, in a beautiful dark Midnight Blue, with gray leather interior. It is roomy, and powerful, with an 8 cylinder powerful HEMI engine. The car itself is really a Mercedes in Dodge land. Someone said it's both a luxury car and a station wagon, a muscle car, if you will! Apparently men really like driving these Magnums, especially with the V8 engine.

I rented a Magnum in California a while back and never forgot how much I loved it. This is my dream car, for now. I have a good long warranty, and I hope to have it for many years. Now I will let A.J. drive my old VW Golf 2001 without having to share it. He's proven to be a responsible driver thus far. I am still the owner of the Golf, but A.J. will drive it more often now.

My car comes home on Tuesday. It needs to be protected from paint and rust damage first. I love it. Did I mention that I love it?

And I don't take this for granted. I paid for the car in full, because that's how my financial advisor and I decided to do it. And that means I still have no debt...no financial debt in the world. How about that?

2006-08-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Two more photos from our fishing day at the Baptism River, which flows into Lake Superior. I like the photo that shows both mother and son. I guess if you know me well, you can see I'm looking what my grampa would term "a little peaked." I was really pale and sick to the stomach that day. Still, I'm happy we had our weekend, and I'm doing somewhat better at the moment. We're home now, and I just made myself some ginger-coconut soup (Thai). Ginger is good for what ails you.

2006-08-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning at Lake Superior....ahhhhh...peace and quiet, and nowhere to be in a hurry.

We stayed in one side of the first floor of this beautiful log cabin home you see.
Our first view in the morning was the sun glistening off the big lake. We heard loons our first morning, and seagulls all day, and at night the stars were awesome.

There was a wedding taking place at the lodge next to us, but the wedding party and their guests seemed to have been taken by the peace and beauty of this place, and they avoided the rowdy party noise you might have expected.

This noon before we left, I went to the place where the bride and groom were married, outside by the lake, and found a beautiful gold ribbon on the ground. I kept it. I'm not sure why, but it seemed special, like this place.

2006-08-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

Our Saturday at the Baptism River, 200 miles north of where we live in Minnesota. A.J. caught a beautiful trout, and after we photographed them together, he released it. We watched the trout regain its composure and balance and swim away. It was so quiet, and rather free of mosquitoes, that we both really enjoyed the Minnesota woods. I was feeling a bit ill Saturday, but there's nothing more healing than nature.

2006-08-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

I have a great kid. Only he's not so much a kid anymore as a young man. And tonight? He's driving, without me, quite late at night, on the highway and then on a two-lane road, with a friend, coming home from a music night...and I'm so nervous! It's hard to get through the nerves. I know he has to amass these solo driving experiences in order to gain confidence and experience, but wow, it's hard on me.

He has had his license for two weeks now.

I will sleep well, once he's home!